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Posts Tagged ‘Africa’

Hello,

Thanks to those of you who got in touch about clothing marks on the torso which you can read here

Sometimes a man needs a fry up. As much as I appreciate my lovely wife Shirley’s attempts to prolong my life via roughage, there are times you just need a bit of bacon and egg.

So I nipped into the Corner Cafe and ordered three eggs, three sausages, four rashers, beans, tomatoes, fried slice, fried potatoes, chips, black pudding, white pudding, kidneys. liver, chicken burger, beans, mushroom, burger, fish fingers, toast. And broccoli. Oh and a mug of tea. I like a strong cup of tea and this one could do press ups.

£4.50 – Bargain in anyone’s eyes.

Whilst this snack was being readied I needed the facilities. Whilst on me throne, enjoying the smell of frying bacon from the kitchens, I read about the growing food shortage in the world and how mass starvation was only years away.

After the third flush was finally succesful, I cancelled the toast. I remember my mum telling me to think of the starving children in Africa when I moaned about those fish paste sandwiches.

I like to do my bit. Did a sponsored walk once,  for Athlete’s Foot Anonymous. Played havoc with my rash.

Laters.

Bob

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A few weeks ago, Gfb told you about Sarah Palin’s affair with disgrace Murdoch crone, Rebekah Brooks. Sadly they have split up – for Sarah has a new love! Nelson Mandela!

Mama Grizzly fell for the 126 year old South African colossus when they discovered a shared passion for topiary.

Sarah has told friends that when she saw Nelson’s ten foot tall rabbit, shaped from his favourite Bay Laurel, she knew he was the one.

Sarah confided to a close pal, “One time with Mandela you’ll never want another fella!”

It appears the lovers also share a passion for sporting chocolates on their heads

 

Sarah’s children Animal, Mineral, Vegetable and Mineral-Again, all love prodding Nelson with a stick when he pops round to sharpen his shears.

Gfb asked Professor Pat Isserie, Lecturer in Lechering, University of Manitoba, for his views on these developments. “Phwoarr! wouldn’t mind seeing photos of them two going at it. Bet she enjoys sitting atop Nelson’s Column! Phwoarrr….”

We wish them well.

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Here at Gfb we are always keen to save a few bob. As my Nan used to say, “Look after the pennies Ginger Junior and think about petty crime as a career option.” Old school was Nan.

Recently we enquired about the cost of a Safari to Kenya. “Just for two mate, not the entire cast of Hair!” I replied to the quote the sweaty travel agent provided.

As we walked back to Turnham Green, we bumped into our old friend and economy traveller supreme Contour D. Klepto. “Sell me your teeth Fightback” was his opening gambit.

I explained my predicament. He thrust into my hand a copy of his latest book “Drug Trotting – Round The World On A Stuffed Rectum”.

Chapter 7 outlined his recent trip to Kenya and the magnificent Masai Mara game reserve. We offer an abridged version here.

Day 1 – Hyde Park London – London Balloon Festival – pinch dirigible shaped like Princess Anne’s head – float towards Kent Coast. Faisal, a Moroccan shoeshine, awoke in balloon’s basket with a start.

Day 1 – The Channel – Losing height – throw Faisal out – he lands in briny – his sturdy Fez takes most of the impact.

Day 3 – France – Shot down over Marseille by scrambled French fighter jets – a balloon the shape of Princess Anne’s head is easy meat for a Dassault 125 Chirac. Land in Hummus factory on outskirts of City.

Day 3 – France – Find employment in Hummus factory as chick pea crusher. My naturally powerful buttocks very handy. Locals think I have a fine sense of hummus.

Day 17 France – Cadge a lift on articulated lorry carrying three thousand hummus cartons bound for Italy. My rucksack contains thirty tubs.

Day 18 Italy – Hitchhiking – picked up by former German International Footballer – Gerhard Spanker. It was Spanker who won the last gasp moustache grow off with Gary Mackerel that sent England crashing out of the 1985 World Cup.

Day 18 Italy – Arrive at Silvio Berlusconi’s Lake Como villa. Silvio is having a new head stapled to his neck. Spanker falls into arms of an 18 year old busty beauty who describes herself as a wannabee lab technician seeking a cure for Alzheimer’s. She answers the phone by speaking to a fridge door.

Day 19 Italy – bribe a policeman, with three tubs of hummus, to drive me to port of Brindisi. Policeman wants to meet a girl who is lab technician seeking a cure for Alzheimer’s. I know just the girl. Kind of.

Day 20 – Stowaway on the “SS Catenaccio” which is carrying a cargo of pita breads and pre-chopped dipping vegetables to Alexandria!

Day 22 – Alexandria, Egypt – use empty hummus pots to build false camel hump – lashed myself to a Dromedary which is part of a Caravan bound for Ethiopia. Surprised nobody notices me.

Day 68 – Egypt/Sudan Border – Bad breathed male camel takes a shine to me. Worrying.

Day 75 – Northern Sudan – Male camel buys me presents and plays Jim Reeves CD in bizarre courtship ritual. Very worrying.

Day 308 – Ethiopian Border – Bump into Bob Geldof and Bono – they are making ham and tomato sandwiches for (presumably) starving locals – Bono is a natural spreader – great wrist action. I offer last pot of hummus and tell them my tale. Geldof to set up concert to raise funds for last leg of journey.

Day 309 – Geldof tells me that so far only Huey Lewis and The News have signed up to “Hump Hummus Aid” –  Bono asks me to nip to his private jet and pick up a bottle of Mayonnaise as he is running low.

Day 309 – Land stolen Bono Boeing in Nairobi Airport. Bribe Kenyan officials with three thousand rounds of ham, cheese and crab paste sandwiches – and four hand finished Cornish Pasties.

Day 310 – Hire Masai Mara warrior to guide me on last leg of journey. The narrow Kenyan roads make manoeuvring Bono’s Jumbo awkward. Pick up a speeding ticket.

Day 312 – Make it! Watch Pride of Lions eat a Tzatziki magnate. Thank my lucky stars. Discover two other things. Lions love Cornish Pasties but struggle with the music of U2.

“Give us me fookin’ Jumbo back!” Bono cries from his spare jet.

Price Comparison

British Airways

Flights; London to Nairobi – Time 10 hrs 30 minutes

2 Week Safari Package – £2,650 per person

Tight Fisted Traveller

Time Taken 7,488 Hours

Travel Costs – Nil!

You Decide!

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Save the Planet! is their cry, Save the Polar Bear, Seal, Whale and Val Doonican! And how do they propose to do it?

If We Don't Act Now On Climate Change Ginger Mussels Are At Risk

BURNING GINGERS THAT’S HOW!

We have received a copy of a paper presented to the Davos Forum by Lauren Parapapompom, Head of Research for the French Government’s shadowy L’Insistitute D’Ecolologie et Humanananitaire.

The paper entitled “Gingers in a Low Carbon Future” (Ref; LDEH 10/08543236/3) highlights research conducted by the shadowy Institute of Human Smouldering (IHS) that shows Gingers have, on average, fifty percent less carbon in their bodies than non Gingers. It also indicates that controlled mass freckle release could aerate the earth’s atmosphere by 3%.

Gingers are a more efficient burning material than dinosaurs or your next door neighbour’s shower curtain.

The idea is controversial as Parapapompom admits, “But if we can secure the future of humankind and those lovely big eyed seals and fluffy polar bears by burning a few carrot tops, surely it is worth it?”

He went on, “We would recommend a seven tendril burn ratio in order to create initial heating and disposal requirements. Ash can be used to propagate food stations for Ginger cropping zones. It is considered feasible that this programme could breed red-haired people for eating (The McGinger has proved popular with focus groups) thus helping solve the world’s food production crisis as well! Ginger meat is leaner than Ostrich and makes a fine stew. Especially with dumplings.”

Breeder farms (AKA Cropping Areas) would be established in North West Africa where cropped Gingers would be used to fire specially constructed power stations GFPS (Ginger Fired Power Stations). Negotiations between the Moroccan, French and Spanish governments are underway.

Cooling Towers are to be disguised as giant ice cream cones.

Gfb also understand that the IHS has already been tasked with preparing feasibility studies for the use of Ginger skeletons as a basis for a nutritious soup, Gingerstrone.

Commenting on this option, the shadowy Organisation for African Backhanders said, “We have the room and the wherewithal for Ginger cropping. We love soup as well. Win! Win!”

Burning Gingers is not a recent phenomenon.

Aliens Mock Our Attempts To Reduce Carbon Emissions

Queen Victoria was a keen advocate of Ginger fires, as revealed in her private diaries. Her entry of November 12th 1846 states, “I do wish Albert would desist from fiddling with that chain around his vitals and turn his inventive mind to how we can burn more redheads to keep ourselves warm in Sandringham. It is perishing here.”

It's His Planet Too!

Prince Albert having completed his plans for his Great Genital Exhibition (Genital was removed as a peon to sensitivities at the time) ordered the establishment of The Ginger Commission of 1848.

The Commission, chaired by Lord St John of The Trouserpress, investigated the whole issue of firing Gingers and whilst the Quaker member (Nathaniel Tingaling) fiercely objected to the practice, Farmers, Chimney makers, bobble hat weavers and men known as “Red Tom” pressed for the practice to be retained.

As Ginger children were barred from picking horses teeth for food (a major source of nutrition at the time) or climb chimneys for soot supplements, they  earned a living by using their body parts as a kindle for fires in the homes of the landed gentry.

The famous Victorian nursery rhyme “Wobbly One Legged Ginger” captures the essence of the hordes of unbalanced redheads tottering around the countryside during this period.

“But pity the poor lass and careful you don’t singe her,

Don’t worry sir! For we’re to fire this Ginger!”

The Commission concluded;

“Without the practice of firing, there is a real danger that licentiousness, abundant in Ginger people, will percolate through the entire labouring classes and they will seek full retribution from us. The Rich.

Sooty Needs Our Help!

Furthermore it is entirely reasonable and consistent with the laws set out in Holy Scriptures (The Book of Relevavavations, Chapter 3 Verses 2-5 – “For Seth, despairing of the cold winds shook his fist in mighty anger at the red skies and bade the Lord “Fire in the red sky! It is no more than they deserve, Oh Lord”).

It is apposite and honourable that the burning of Gingers should continue as they offer a fruity tang to the malodorous air of London.”

Burning Gingers only lost its attraction when the more efficient practice of burning moustaches became widespread in the Edwardian era.

It is incredible to think that some of the finest minds on the planet are seriously advocating once more the super heating of other human beings as a means to tackle Climate Change.

Gfb salutes the brave men and women who gave their lives to bring this story to you. Much of it made up.

If Not For You At Least For Val

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