Posts Tagged ‘Africa’

Nothing can replace the Big Screen in terms of excitement, magic and bigness. But we have noticed something odd. No chickens.

Sharks, horses, monkeys, turtles, dolphins, Jeez Louise even Ants have had films made about them. But Chickens? Only Chicken Run. No chicken road movies, chicken lurve, no chicken coming of age stories, not even a chicken in a war movie. Chick flick? me arse. A poultry effort.

Until now – Black Chicken Down

Ridley Scott’s powerful drama set in the mean streets of Mogadishwasher. Can Chopper Chicken rescue the soldiers trapped in this hell hole?

“You’ll believe a chicken can fly” – The Times

“The most realistic portrayal of chickens in war I have ever seen” – The Delaware Doubter

“Chopper Chicken is already a movie legend” – The Sydney Morning Glory

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Gingerfightback’s film critic Mark Commode, has discovered that the central character in the Rise of the Planet of the Apes – Caesar  – was originally going to be Ginger as the film’s producers believed it would make the whole thing more realistic.



Ginger and ever so angry

The next instalment, provisionally titled, “Early Morning On The Planet Of The Apes – Kippers for Breakfast” will feature a spectacular bicycle  chase  modelled on the attached outtake from, “Late Afternoon On The Planet Of The Apes – Not So Warm When The Sun Goes In Is It?”

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The World Cup Is Here!

Brazil is hosting the tournament.

Prince Charles provides his rounded view of the 32 Nations taking part. Here is his take on the Groups E and F.

charles chinstrap copy

Group E

Switzerland – Neutral, Heidi worshipping Nazi gold hoarders who like cheese with holes in – Bastards to a man.

Ecuador – Bandy legged coca leaf chewers and purveyors of silly hats – belching is a national obsession.

France – Shoulder shrugging arseholes who we had to save in World Wars 1 and 2. They still try to shaft us at every opportunity.  Mama still refers to De Gaulle as “That Big Conked French Wanker.” They don’t wash and all smell of garlic. Brigit Bardot though – PHWOARRR!

Honduras – A country with the highest murder rate in the world. Nothing else to do apparently. Apart from sweat. The country only has 7 dentists.


Group F

Argentina – Tangoing, cheating Barrio dwellers who have tried to con us out of every World Cup since 1875. The Falklands are British and even speccy Pope Argy won’t get his hands on them!

Bosnia and Herzegovina – Their name takes longer to say than the length of time they will be in the competition. Because of them we have to suffer James Blunt. 

Iran – A land of hairy arsed Yank baiters who hide nuclear waste material down their trousers.Lovely carpets though. Can I have one?

Nigeria – Email scamming juju obsessed con artists who have a problem with educating girls. Bring back the Empire!



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This was requested by blogger and awful poet Colonialist. His poetry is well worth investigating here!

zuma copy

“When will my pad be finished?”


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Sim Salabim!

Egypt’s famous Great Pyramid has grown a moustache to honour Movember.

“Eye of a camel, son of a she-wolf! Is this the work of the secret Brotherhood of Male Grooming?” declared retired civil servant Ali Hassan as he waked to the baker’s to buy his cat some fish. Without success. As an insurance policy he visited the bank. Again without success.

pyramid tache

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As much as I appreciate my lovely wife Shirley’s attempts to prolong my life via roughage, there are times  when a man needs a fry up. And if he still has the energy, a spot of self abuse afterwards. But never during.

So I nipped into the Corner Cafe and ordered three eggs, three sausages, four rashers, beans, tomatoes, fried slice, fried potatoes, chips, black pudding, white pudding, kidneys. liver, chicken burger, beans, mushrooms, burger, fish fingers, toast. And broccoli. Oh and a mug of tea.

In the Cafe was an old friend, Pete “The Bastard” who was ramming a raw black pudding up a poor fella’s nostril.

This bloke had laughed at Pete “The Bastard’s” wig. I always stifle a giggle when I see it. It is made of corduroy and is laminated. But Pete “The Bastard” thinks it makes him look like Bob Marley. He’s not a man to argue with.

“Awright Bob?” he said as the last piece of black pudding filled the poor victim’s nasal cavity.

“Alright The Bastard?”

That was our conversation.

I needed the facilities and enjoyed the smell of frying bacon as I performed me business. I also read about the growing food shortage in the world and how mass starvation was years away.

I remembered my mum telling me to think about the starving children in Africa.

I cancelled the toast. I like to do my bit.



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Wonder what it makes of it all?

Wonder what it makes of it all?

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Thanks to those of you who got in touch about clothing marks on the torso which you can read here

Sometimes a man needs a fry up. As much as I appreciate my lovely wife Shirley’s attempts to prolong my life via roughage, there are times you just need a bit of bacon and egg.

So I nipped into the Corner Cafe and ordered three eggs, three sausages, four rashers, beans, tomatoes, fried slice, fried potatoes, chips, black pudding, white pudding, kidneys. liver, chicken burger, beans, mushroom, burger, fish fingers, toast. And broccoli. Oh and a mug of tea. I like a strong cup of tea and this one could do press ups.

£4.50 – Bargain in anyone’s eyes.

Whilst this snack was being readied I needed the facilities. Whilst on me throne, enjoying the smell of frying bacon from the kitchens, I read about the growing food shortage in the world and how mass starvation was only years away.

After the third flush was finally succesful, I cancelled the toast. I remember my mum telling me to think of the starving children in Africa when I moaned about those fish paste sandwiches.

I like to do my bit. Did a sponsored walk once,  for Athlete’s Foot Anonymous. Played havoc with my rash.



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A few weeks ago, Gfb told you about Sarah Palin’s affair with disgrace Murdoch crone, Rebekah Brooks. Sadly they have split up – for Sarah has a new love! Nelson Mandela!

Mama Grizzly fell for the 126 year old South African colossus when they discovered a shared passion for topiary.

Sarah has told friends that when she saw Nelson’s ten foot tall rabbit, shaped from his favourite Bay Laurel, she knew he was the one.

Sarah confided to a close pal, “One time with Mandela you’ll never want another fella!”

It appears the lovers also share a passion for sporting chocolates on their heads


Sarah’s children Animal, Mineral, Vegetable and Mineral-Again, all love prodding Nelson with a stick when he pops round to sharpen his shears.

Gfb asked Professor Pat Isserie, Lecturer in Lechering, University of Manitoba, for his views on these developments. “Phwoarr! wouldn’t mind seeing photos of them two going at it. Bet she enjoys sitting atop Nelson’s Column! Phwoarrr….”

We wish them well.

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Here at Gfb we are always keen to save a few bob. As my Nan used to say, “Look after the pennies Ginger Junior and think about petty crime as a career option.” Old school was Nan.

Recently we enquired about the cost of a Safari to Kenya. “Just for two mate, not the entire cast of Hair!” I replied to the quote the sweaty travel agent provided.

As we walked back to Turnham Green, we bumped into our old friend and economy traveller supreme Contour D. Klepto. “Sell me your teeth Fightback” was his opening gambit.

I explained my predicament. He thrust into my hand a copy of his latest book “Drug Trotting – Round The World On A Stuffed Rectum”.

Chapter 7 outlined his recent trip to Kenya and the magnificent Masai Mara game reserve. We offer an abridged version here.

Day 1 – Hyde Park London – London Balloon Festival – pinch dirigible shaped like Princess Anne’s head – float towards Kent Coast. Faisal, a Moroccan shoeshine, awoke in balloon’s basket with a start.

Day 1 – The Channel – Losing height – throw Faisal out – he lands in briny – his sturdy Fez takes most of the impact.

Day 3 – France – Shot down over Marseille by scrambled French fighter jets – a balloon the shape of Princess Anne’s head is easy meat for a Dassault 125 Chirac. Land in Hummus factory on outskirts of City.

Day 3 – France – Find employment in Hummus factory as chick pea crusher. My naturally powerful buttocks very handy. Locals think I have a fine sense of hummus.

Day 17 France – Cadge a lift on articulated lorry carrying three thousand hummus cartons bound for Italy. My rucksack contains thirty tubs.

Day 18 Italy – Hitchhiking – picked up by former German International Footballer – Gerhard Spanker. It was Spanker who won the last gasp moustache grow off with Gary Mackerel that sent England crashing out of the 1985 World Cup.

Day 18 Italy – Arrive at Silvio Berlusconi’s Lake Como villa. Silvio is having a new head stapled to his neck. Spanker falls into arms of an 18 year old busty beauty who describes herself as a wannabee lab technician seeking a cure for Alzheimer’s. She answers the phone by speaking to a fridge door.

Day 19 Italy – bribe a policeman, with three tubs of hummus, to drive me to port of Brindisi. Policeman wants to meet a girl who is lab technician seeking a cure for Alzheimer’s. I know just the girl. Kind of.

Day 20 – Stowaway on the “SS Catenaccio” which is carrying a cargo of pita breads and pre-chopped dipping vegetables to Alexandria!

Day 22 – Alexandria, Egypt – use empty hummus pots to build false camel hump – lashed myself to a Dromedary which is part of a Caravan bound for Ethiopia. Surprised nobody notices me.

Day 68 – Egypt/Sudan Border – Bad breathed male camel takes a shine to me. Worrying.

Day 75 – Northern Sudan – Male camel buys me presents and plays Jim Reeves CD in bizarre courtship ritual. Very worrying.

Day 308 – Ethiopian Border – Bump into Bob Geldof and Bono – they are making ham and tomato sandwiches for (presumably) starving locals – Bono is a natural spreader – great wrist action. I offer last pot of hummus and tell them my tale. Geldof to set up concert to raise funds for last leg of journey.

Day 309 – Geldof tells me that so far only Huey Lewis and The News have signed up to “Hump Hummus Aid” –  Bono asks me to nip to his private jet and pick up a bottle of Mayonnaise as he is running low.

Day 309 – Land stolen Bono Boeing in Nairobi Airport. Bribe Kenyan officials with three thousand rounds of ham, cheese and crab paste sandwiches – and four hand finished Cornish Pasties.

Day 310 – Hire Masai Mara warrior to guide me on last leg of journey. The narrow Kenyan roads make manoeuvring Bono’s Jumbo awkward. Pick up a speeding ticket.

Day 312 – Make it! Watch Pride of Lions eat a Tzatziki magnate. Thank my lucky stars. Discover two other things. Lions love Cornish Pasties but struggle with the music of U2.

“Give us me fookin’ Jumbo back!” Bono cries from his spare jet.

Price Comparison

British Airways

Flights; London to Nairobi – Time 10 hrs 30 minutes

2 Week Safari Package – £2,650 per person

Tight Fisted Traveller

Time Taken 7,488 Hours

Travel Costs – Nil!

You Decide!

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