Posts Tagged ‘Actors’


“All the world’s a fence.”

Like doubts, we all have them or know someone who has them. Fences that is.

What does your Fence say about you?  Secondary Picket? Loosely Hinged? A Godfather? Weak Footings?

Who knows? Who cares! 

This month wonderful actor Benedict “Benny” Cumberbatch has shared his lovely little Closed Border Fence with us. We now know where he got his inspiration for photo bombing Bono and his pals at the Oscars!

Bono in a box

Bono in a box

All I want to say is

Bono in a box

cumberbnatch 2

Boo Bono!

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He has more Oscars than you can shake a stick at and is an exponent of Conker Fung Du, the Cornish martial art that encompasses kickboxing and conkers. Daniel Day Lewis.

We caught up with DDL whilst he was lobbing a stick into his favourite horse chestnut tree to find a few conkers to take home, bake, soak in vinegar and allow to harden in the oven afterwards.

dan copy

GFB; Daniel, thanks for sparing the time in your hectic schedule to speak to us.

DDL; (Holding a knotted shoe lace with a conker threaded onto it)  Obbly Onker My First Conker!

GFB; Sorry?

DDL; Watch out, this bad boy is a Twelver!

GFB; Oh Right – can we talk about your new fi-

DDL; STAMPS! I win! Thirteener now!

GFB; Jeez that must a be a great conker Daniel. I only ever had a threeer and then Kevin Keating stamped on it.

DDL; This is the best conker I’ve ever had – It is the Olivier of Conkers.  Not that Sir Larry wasn’t a great actor of course, nearly as good as me. All I’ll say is, “Look at the Oscars laddio – who is the Daddy now eh? eh?”

GFB; Fascinating Daniel, as we would expect from such a great thespian as you.

DDL; Natch.

GFB; Your new movie role

DDL; The Life Of Flann O’Brien?

GFB; Yes.

DDL; One of the greats of Irish Literature, proper absurdist and Metafictionist type – As you know I inhabit the character I portray at all times during the filmic process – Mind heads! (Daniel launches a shillelagh into the tree and is disappointed not to dislodge a conker)

DDL; Bastard!

GFB; Come again?

DDL; The conker – I can’t get it down.

GFB; Shame – I’m sure you will get it eventually.

DDL; Yes – I shall, failing all else I will blast the bastard out with me Last Of The Mohicans musket – dead eyed dick I was by the time filming was over – could shoot a fart from three miles.

GFB; Impressive, now about your fil –

DDL; Sorry, the film, yes, Flann O’Brien – I have worn this Flan on my head for three years to understand him a bit more.

GFB; Has it worked?

DDL; No. Flan only has one N and Flann had two N’s in it. The Fecker. If he had been Quiche O’Brien I would have been onto a winner – all I have gleaned is an appreciation for pastry based savoury snacks.

GFB; Thanks for you time Daniel.

DDL; Not at all. Fancy another game of conkers?


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Famous actress from Australia with a well know love of Black Pudding and all things vegetarian.

She is currently mud wrestling with Meryl Streep to see who gets the part of Arthritis,  Queen of The Joints in the Stoner remake of Troy (only this time the Greeks are gonna hide in a huge wooden bong).

Some things you may not know about Nicole;

  • She has super strength knuckles.
  • She is a passionate Bongo player and has recorded an album of Bongo cover songs called “Simply Bongos”.
  • Ever since her divorce from Tom Cruise he has worn a sausage in his head.

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And one out of his ear?


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Rupert Grint


Played Ron Weasley in The Harry Potter film franchise.

Proves the point on a daily basis that ginger folk struggle to smoulder in an erotic fashion. If we do it prompts concerned questions from the elderly regarding trapped wind or imbecility.

Strongly tipped by those in the know not to be in the running to be the next James Bond. But is widely tipped to feature in panto in Wimbledon before the decade is out.

Some things you may not know about Rupert;

  • He has a passion for Cage Bingo
  • Never leaves home without his lucky colander, Sylvia.
  • He cannot whistle but can hum

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Following on from our highly succesful investigation a few weeks ago, we have found some more bizarre family connections for you all to enjoy!

Serena Williams and Tennessee Williams


She is the hugely hammed Tennis superstar, winner of titles across the globe. Owns a grunt a rutting Water Buffalo would be proud of. Boy oh boy can she give those balls a wallop.

A brilliant Bricklayer, often running up a wall or two at home in Florida on her days off. Serena penned the classic American Sitcom, “Diff’rent Strokes” and won a lengthy lawsuit against titchy TV star Gary Coleman over who devised the catchphrase “What chew talkin’ ’bout Willis?”


He is the famous playwright who wrote famous plays. With a pen. Sometimes with a typewriter. But always with a smile on his face. Alongside Ernest Wise, he is perhaps the most important playwright of the 20th Century with epics such as A Streetcar Named Desire, Cat on A Hot Tin Roof, Free Willy 2 and a couple of Murder She Wrote’s.

The Link

Tennessee set most of his plays in houses or buildings. Houses are made of bricks. He also co-authored Series 2 of “The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air”.


James Joyce and Yootha Joyce


He is arguably the most important author of the 20th Century. He could write with both hands and sometimes with a pen in his gob. All at the same time! His epic Ulysses, is considered to be long. He played the drums and shaved cats for inspiration.


She was the star of naff 70’s sitcoms, Man About The House and George and Mildred, playing a sexually frustrated, chain smoking harridan. Yootha bestrode the 70’s like a woman with a mighty big stride.

Her scripts were like this;

Husband – “I don’t get it Mildred”

Yootha – “I haven’t had it for years!”

What links them

In Joyce’s blabber fest, Finnegan’s Wake, the treatments for the first series of George and Mildred can be found two thirds the way through the book. This would have lain undetected were it not for Robert Wagner dripping a toasted cheese sandwich over the relevant page of a copy in the National Library of Ireland.

Bob was on a promotional tour to publicise the release of the complete series of Hart To Hart on DVD.

Robert Wagner and Richard Wagner


He is the Hollywood legend who has never knowingly acted.

It was reported in Rolling Stone magazine that his acting style is due to the fact that he is made up of two parts pork to one part cheese.

Cruise missiles were deployed in the UK after Hart to Hart first aired. Recently released communiqués between Thatcher and Reagan reveal that in Thatcher’s opinion if they didn’t deploy tactical nuclear weapons in Britain to quell the anger about such crap being put on TV there was going to be “Moider!”


He was the composer who composed music. Lots of it that usually went on and on and on and on and on and on…….with a couple of hefty ladies in horned helmets warbling away to an empty auditorium whilst the rest of us nipped to the bar for a quick livener and catch some footy on the telly or failing that re-runs of Hart to Hart.

Hitler liked him (but we reckon he was having a crafty fiddle thinking about the big women in horned helmets).

What Links Them

Dick Wagner was partial to ham and cheese sandwiches. Oh and a love of ridiculous headwear. QED!

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