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Archive for the ‘Show Business’ Category

Hello

Gingerfightback gained access to the Royal Stud yesterday to nab this picture of the racehorse owned by The Queen who has failed a drugs test (the horse that is not Her Majesty – although she is partial to Charles’ organic Duchy Originals Ganja).

The photo clearly shows the horse named Have A Bang On This Little Number, abusing drugs in a most unseemly manner.

seahorse1 copy

Pink Floyd Really Speaks To Him

 

The Queen was unavailable for comment as she was in Scotland to open the  Commonwealth Games. To celebrate this great day for the land of the long sweaty sock, Liz festooned her bonnet with Scotch Eggs!

QE2

One Has The Munchies

 

 

 

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My name is Terry Cotter. I’m a potter.

I have been potterising for nearly two decades now. I stock a wide range of ceramic goods in my shop The Potter’s Reel, down here in Lower Swell. The shop is named after my potter’s wheel which goes round and round. Like a reel.

Here are some reviews from the world they call “Art”.

1. Sculpture

Venus De Milo – It is armless enough.

2. Movies

The King and I – The slap head from The Magnificent 7 tries to get hold of Deborah Kerr after learning the lingo. Goes on a bit.

3. Music

Nirvana – Nevermind –I was into Grudge in my teens –  Mum told me off for not tucking my shirt in.  Then New Kids On The Block came into my life….. Goes on a bit.

4. Literature

Graham Greene – Our  Man In Havana – The importance of vacuum cleaners as a nuclear deterrent.

5. Theatre

Romeo and Juliet – He loves her and she loves him. The families don’t get on. The vicar is a drug dealer. They die. Doth goeth oneth for a biteth.

Village News

A protest will take place outside the village hall tomorrow during the lactose intolerance group session. Intolerance cannot be tolerated in any form.

Til The Next Time

Keep That Wheel Turning!

TCTP

 

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Oily

Several years ago I followed your fabulous diet book, “Masturbate Yourself Thin”, lost three stone and could crack walnuts with my right hand. Sadly I tugged with such ferocity that my foreskin is now over three feet long and when I am in the shower my love missile looks kinda…..weird. Do you have any tips for reeling it in. Or is surgery the only way?

Bellend Tom, Belenses

Hi Bellend,

My we have quite a few wankers contacting me this week! Fine by me!

Could you contact my secretary Salacious Sadie? We have just the part for you. It’s an updated/skewered/perverted version of the Elephant Man and tells the story of the many scraps and bedroom farces old Merrick might have got into with various buxom wenches if he had been a bit less depressive, more outgoing and could run fast like Benny Hill.

Oily

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As the Winter Olympics draw to a close, GFB brings you a world exclusive photo of over hyped pop sensation Miley Cyrus Twerking her way to Olympic Glory !

Yes folks, all that arse wobbling and oddly sexless posing on stage with dirty old men, also desperate for a piece of cheap publicity to flog their pap, was in fact preparation for Miley’s assault on the Ski Jumping title in Sochi.

As you can see the positioning of the buttocks is remarkable similar. Miley steered with titchy movements of her tongue. If she had her dad’s mullet for the jump, the extra drag would have added a few more metres and she would have finished higher than 43rd.

We could be wrong, but hope she puts her buttocks away now.

miley cyrus jump_edited-1

Here is Miley in pre-season training with a sausage………

miley_twerk

 

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He didn't do well

He didn’t do well

Not that long ago, us Brits prided ourselves won being different. Original, you might say. We have original artists, poets and writers and great writers of popular music and innovative TV programmes, especially ground breaking comedy.

Known to the Americans as ‘Monnie Paethaaaan’.

 There was a time when ex-RAF fighter pilots would stroll into the office of the BBC’s Director of Comedy and say, “Morning Old Boy. I say, I’ve this terrific idea for a sit-com etc; etc;” and were told to “Go orf and put together a couple of pilot shows ( no RAF pun intended) and we’ll take it from there, arf arf”.

Like a good wine, a comedy series developed. Invariably the first series was a ‘suck it and see’ affair and probably not a huge hit with the public but the characters and writing developed in later series, producing blockbuster comedy such as the aforementioned Python, Dad’s Army, The Good Life and even The Fast Show which was, I believe, a slow starter.

In 2011 Paul Whitehouse and Charlie Higson had a swipe at the BBC’s policy regarding follow up series after the Corporation turned down their proposal for a second series of ‘Bellamy’s People’ on the basis that the first series did not pull in enough viewers. They argued, quite rightly, that this was normal for a new series.

So what do they now have to replace these little gems of innovation and comedy genius?

I’ll tell you what!

‘Celebrity Pie Throwing’, ‘Celebrity Dog Grooming’, ‘Celebrity Brain Surgery’, ‘Celebrity Bull Fighting’ (if only).

As the great Jim Royle would say,”Celebrities my arse”.

Look up ‘Celebrity’ in the dictionary and it will advise the following ‘Celebrity : A famous or well known person’.

So who are these fake tanned, Botox riddled, brain dead arseholes onto whom the epithet ‘Celebrity’ is bestowed?

Is there nothing these sad bastards won’t do to revive what was once a lack of talent teetering on the brink of a career? From munching live insects ” Oh my Gaaad, oh my Gaaad” to throwing themselves off ski slopes slightly higher than my front doorstep – “AAAAGGGHHH, Shiiiiiit” ……..and that’s just the viewers’ reaction!

There was a time when, if the BBC came up with a ground breaking idea for a programme that blew the viewing figures out of the water, ITV would say ” We’ll have to come up with something better.”

Not any more.

Take the hugely successful ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ on the BBC.

Do the ITV say “It’s a fair cop, we didn’t see that one coming, we’ll put our heads together and come up with something to counteract this success, a completely different genre;  ground breaking comedy perhaps? An award winning drama series? Animals fornicating in a moonlit jungle just as you’re sitting down to your evening meal?”

Not a bit of it.

What inspired, creative, original idea do they come up with?

“Stepping Out”………..”Stepping fucking Out”!

One can only imagine the Think Tank Brainstorming that formed this little nugget.

“Right, OK guys, I’ll like make this quick. We need like to eclipse ‘Strictly’. We all have like Media Degrees. Should be a piece of piss. Any ideas out there?”

“Well Simon, as I see it, like breaking it down into like it’s constituent parts, we have like two people and dancing.”

“And a band.”

“Yes Freddie and a band”.

“So we have like a celebrity and a dancing teacher like dancing to a band”.

“OK guys, here’s the plan. The concept. Dancing. Two people, dancing. But like here’s the really clever bit guys, the two people like know each other, they’re like, you know, husband and wife or two people who met at school and have like kissed each other or something, pfffff”.

“That’s like really cool. What’s the title?”

“How about like, ‘ Strictly Come Dancing But With Two People Who Know Each Other Like’?”

Cut to three weeks later…. “Strapping Up?”

“No – bonding insinuation”.

“Stopping Up?”

“Bit anal”.

“Schlepping Up?”

“Too Jewish”.

“Stepping Out?”

“Bang on Toby, good man”.

“Right, all we want now is like a presenter”.

 “Brucie”.

” He’s already taken Robin”.

“Davina McCall?”

” Fuck it, they’ll never notice the difference”.

“Brilliant guys, job done”.

” Anyone fancy a pint?”

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kirsty

Yesterday Kristy Arseslap told you of the plight of Bingo and India and their attempts to land a pile in London. (You can read their heart rending tale here).

We were swamped by requests to find out how their home search was going. So, Mike Crawshaw caught up with them.

” Last year we tried to help Bingo and India, a couple of upper class tossers from Surrey, find a property in Central London. They had more money than sense to spend on their ideal property but unfortunately this would not stretch to the property at the end of The Mall that India fell in love with. When we left them, India was convinced that she could oust the existing tenants with an offer they could not refuse. We’ll let India take up the story….

‘I walked round the outside to see if there was stables and a paddock but I couldn’t see anything except an old man with great big ears. He appeared to be watering the plants.

He looked up and our eyes met. There was something about him that was rather attractive.

fence2charlessausage

I felt we had met before. He wandered over.

‘Hello, may I help you?’

‘Yes, I was rather admiring your house’

‘My wife tells me It has been in the family rather a long time, what is your name my dear’

‘ India’

“What a coincidence! my great-great grandmother was Empress.”

‘I’d do anything to live in this house’

‘Anything?’

‘Oh yes’

‘What I have in mind may give you a bladder infection.’

‘That’s alright, I don’t know anything about flowers. Have you got a pony?”

An improved offer was turned down when his wife caught him with no trousers.

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With house prices rises and the attendant debt fuelled boom (where have we heard that before?) beginning to infect our lives again – we are also subjected to the evil that are TV property programmes.

Is Britain the only country in the World who’s programme schedules are infested with programmes such as “Location, Location, Location?” or as Mike Crawshaw reimagines the programme with its fantabulous host and “expert” Kristy Asslop.

Kristy Asslop – She Understands Our Needs

kirsty

 “Welcome to this week’s Located, Located, Located!Bingo and India are a couple of spoilt little bastards from Surrey who are searching for property in Maida Vale or Richmond, way beyond their price range. They have a deposit of £1,000,000, scraped together by Bingo’s parents, Herry and Celia, after a quick look down the back of the living room sofa.

Hopefully this will prove to be enough to get rid of their tiresome loin fruit and his vapid fiancée who have been plaguing their parental pile since Bingo and India met during a Tofu Punting Party at Cambridge.

They have a budget large enough to pay off the National Debt of Bolivia but still can’t find anything they both like. Bingo wants to be a short tube ride to his job as a back-stabbing chancer in the City whilst India wants to be near her friends, who rather irritatingly, keep moving.

They would both like a party pad with the ‘wow’ factor but there must be somewhere to keep a pony.

Bingo would like to be near a park where he can hide in the bushes to deal with his insecurities. India wants to be near her pony.

Also on Bingo’s tick-list is a basement room where he can go through back copies of ‘Health & Efficiency’ with his Eton chums, Bovril, Toby and Crichton and discuss why, in real life, women have hair and not a smudge?

India wants a pony.

The properties we have shown them so far have not been up to expectation.

India was rather taken with a large, detached, white building with bags of potential at the end of The Mall but we had to point that the little old lady waving on the balcony, was a sitting tenant but we did agree that it was ‘a lovely place to keep a pony’.

Will the old girl move for Bingo and India?

QE2

 In desperation we showed them a couple of properties in the ‘up and coming’ areas where they would get so much more for their money but as Bingo said there were far too many poor people and India didn’t see one person on a pony.

We were making headway on a property near Abbey Road but this was rejected when they found that the kitchen had no ‘en-suite bathroom’ or stable.

It was at this point that Bingo took me to one side to thank me for all my effort and to say that unfortunately India had her heart set on the detached house in the Mall and if we would be so good as to drop them orf on the way back they felt sure they could bribe the old woman to leave.

We dropped them off at Brick Lane and wished them well. The wankers.”

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Hello,

Here is the next request. Master sleuth, smackhead, fiddler and right cleverdick Sherlock Holmes as requested by the brilliant  Hacker.Hinja.Hooker.Spy. Her site is well worth checking out HERE!

Here is Sir Arthur Conan Boil’s creation in a variety of guises, starting with lovely  Benedict Cumberland….in, “The Case Of The Missing Meat Product.”

benedict copy

“Mmmm…..where did I mislay my sausage?”

Of course Ironman, recovering smackhead and all round bon viveur, Bobby Downey Jr donned the old deerstalker in a couple of outings as the fabled detective and here he is consulting his astro-sausage to find the nearest crack den, from “The Case Of The Missing Meat Product.”

downey copy

“I think my head is going to fall off Holmes”

Not to be outdone by these arrivistes, our very own Great British Ham, Michael Caine brought a new subtlety to the role is this thankfully over looked version of, “The Case Of The Missing Meat Product”.

caine_edited-1

“Who thought a pasty magnifier would work?”

As the great man would have said “Elemental Dear Watson, Elemental.”

IS THERE ANYTHING OR ANYONE YOU WOULD LIKE A SAUSAGE TO BE APPLIED TO?

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Gingerfightback is tipping Brucie’s syrup to lift the old glitter ball this evening.

Whoops!

As the picture shows the fast moving toupe is set to wow the judges and the public with its nifty footwork and rise and fall to the Latin beat. As Gfb’s dance correspondent  Kimberley Knee-Cap said, “That wig is the finest exponent of dance I have ever seen. I drink to excess, have a Class A habit and recently sought solace from life’s miseries through Scientology, but rest assured I know what I am talking about. Hic.”

Rumours that domestic goddess Nigella Lawson will appear in next year’s series were met with snorts of derision by BBC insiders.

nigella-hiding-sausage

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You never see them in the same room!

miley_jabba

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