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Archive for the ‘Politics’ Category

Secretary of State for Work and Fuckery, Iain Drunken-Spliff wants to lash fat people to houses to drive down energy consumption in the UK as part of the Government’s Green agenda.

IDS told Gfb, “I’m sick of all these fat bastards lolloping round the place in tracky bottoms stuffing McShite into themselves,  blaming their glands and then expecting the NHS to staple their gobs.”

Ian Drunken Spliff

He continued after a shot of morphine, “I’m not fucking havin’ it. They are fat – like a Seal in winter fat – fat is good insulation – so tie themto the outside of houses as insulation. Energy consumption goes down and these tubsters are actually of some use. Genius or what!”

Drunken-Spliff then went for a lie down.

British Gas told Gfb, “We have no plans to lash the fat to houses, attractive as that may be. We are farming the obese for their tallow and hope the first Obese Oil Fired Power Station will be coming on-line in 3 or so years.”

Yootha N’asia, Secretary of The Society of Obese People said, “Are you going to eat that?”

 

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NANSTACK in Basildon

Ian Drunken-Spliff – Secretary of State for Knobheadedness has employed IKEA to develop a revolutionary stacking system to warehouse Pensioners.

The system, known as “NANSTACK” is believed by Drunken-Spliff to offer a radical new way of reducing adult care costs.

Ian Drunken-Spliff

Drinken-Spliff said, “Like the cripples and dossers who are ruining this country, old fuckers clog everything up from hospitals to buses. It needs sorting. NANSTACK is a highly efficient way of housing these old farts. They will be tightly packed to keep warm – important as there will be no lighting or heating thus demonstrating our Green Credentials! It also cures loneliness! Furthermore think of all the houses freed up for Buy t0 Let Landlords like me to snap up! Am I a fuckin genius or what!”

Drunken-Spliff then went for a shot of morphine.

As the pictures below show, Pensioners can be loaded onto lorries for transit to the stacking centres prior to the allocation of their cosy shelf!

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War War 2 hero Derek Sponge receives the gratitude of a nation

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Derek being lodged @ NANSTACK Worthing

Per Abba-Arrival from IKEA told Gfb’s Lucy Gammon, “The trials have gone well. The only sticking point is the amount of mince per meatball in the daily feeding.”

Anita Dayglow OBE, Chief Executive of Elderly UK told Gfb, “Do you want to buy a raffle ticket? First prize is a blanket!”

 

We Are All In It Together

 

 

 

 

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The Diving Dalai

Gingerfightback’s correspondent,  Ying-Yang Karma-Farmer-Hop Pole was delighted to see the Dalai Lama display his diving prowess recently when his holiness visited the Pond’s Forge swimming centre in Sheffield.

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Inspecting The Boards!

Before you could say “Free Tibet!” the Bouncing Buddhist had stripped off his robes to reveal a well toned torso.

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 Famous Dalai Lama epithets about Diving.

1. “If we enter water too fast – budgie smugglers damage the knackers. Protect your knackers.”

2. “Belly flop is nature’s way of telling you  – you shite at diving.”

Last week it was the Pope on the Pommel. We are sure you agree these two leaders are certainly fit for purpose!

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The Pontiff displayed enormous strength and precision particularly in his flair kicks.

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He Has Flair

Busty Born Again Catholic Beauty, Angharad Big Baps cooed, “First the Pope and now the Dalai! God damn I’m gettin’ me some ol’ time religion!”

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Gfb has learned that Payday loan company Wonga are to set up Foodbanks in England.

Ian Drunken Spliff

The move has received the backing of the Secretary of State for Work and Fuckery, Iain Drunken-Spliff who said, “People can borrow a few quid off Wonga whilst picking up their beans and stale Frosties.  Wonga will seize the food in lieu of payment. If you don’t pay – you don’t eat! This will sort out obesity as well! Skinny and destitute – sounds like a plan to me!”

Drunken-Spliff then went for a lie down. And a shot of morphine.

Plans for Wonga to administer the Benefits system are well advanced. Benefits will become loans – With an interest rate of 4,678% per year the National Debt will be cleared in next to no time!

 

Gimp Morrising

 

 

 

 

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I had the morning off waiting for Curry’s to deliver the new flat screen TV. It’s got surround sound, radar, sonar and a missile launching system. Naturally they didn’t turn up.

The curly Kale diet was working its magic and I was on the pot reading The Sun.

The Yanks are going to start bombing Iraq again because although we “won” and “left a vibrant, pluralistic, democratic state” behind, it has all gone a bit tits up and some Angry Lads who think they are indestructible want to set up a Caliphate (whatever that is – thought it was a camping stove) – and suppress everything that lives there – even the wind if it blows too hastily.

Now a load of Ancient Christians are stuck up an Iraqi mountain (like Moses when he nipped up one to get a few do’s and dont’s – the one about not killing is always good for a laugh) – the Angry Lads want to kill them because their version of the same God is different – largely in choice of headwear it seems to me.

Then there’s the Israeli’s – same God – different head-gear again – slaughtering the innocents and creating more Angry Lads in the process.

Jesus was up a mountain – told us to be good – talk about stating the obvious! Then he was slaughtered – on a mountain.

Fuck it – going down the Stretched Testicle for a few pints.

At least me bowels are moving with aplomb.

But what is it with religion and mountains?

Go tell it my son!

I blame Buddhists. Bastards to a man.

Bob

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Leader of the Opposition, Ed Miliband has told Gingerfightback’s Political Editor Marsupial Fanning that his recent meeting with President Obama was  both “Constructive and nutritious.”

The buck toothed laddio went onto say, “The President and I share views on Syria,  ISIS, Russia, Gaza, and the right amount of melted cheese in a burger. He now knows that  fries are called chips in England. I must say his chewing was impeccable. It has come on leaps and bounds.”

When asked for his views on the meeting the President replied, “Who? Never met the fella.”

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Ed has been likened to Wallace from Wallace and Gromit – well, he is a bit stop go after all.

 

 

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We may be a bit late but Happy Birthday to our future King! On bended knee we salute thee……

Nice to see the goatee coming on and the hillbilly look beginning to take shape…..

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Baby Prince George, is of course the fruit of sexual intercourse between our Kate and Wills,

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The Bearded Prince

Miranda Soup-Slurper, Royal Correspondent for It’s Bollox magazine said,  “I still can’t believe that Kate has had sexual intercourse, such is her fragrant fragrance.  Also royal babies come from a place much more shiny and lovely than the Earth. My guess is a planet made of cuddles and souvenir tea towels.”

Phillip Utopian-Fallopian, keeper of the Royal Sock, told GFB, “Ms Soup-Slurper is wrong. Prince George came from Waitrose along with a free cup of coffee.”

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Beardy_Kate

 

 

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