Archive for the ‘Happiness’ Category


The Sperm With A Perm will be providing a regular update on his hopes and fears for impregnation. So, without further ado, over to you Sperm With A Perm!

Hi Everyone!

Been busy since I last wrote!

It was my cousin Tom’s 3rd minute birthday! Just imagine trying to play musical chairs with 120 million others! Takes Ages!  I never want to hear Three Blind Mice again!

No sign of impregnating an egg at the moment! Bit slow out of the blocks recently! Just as well! He has been on his own in a hotel room! And we all know what that means!

Sentient life will be great though – better than this load of bollocks! Think of it! Arthritis! Embarrassment! Laughter! Riding A Bike! Love! Having A Crush On Mother Theresa! ONIONS! Masturbation! (although would that be genocide?!) 

Just gotta find that egg!

Shame the Pope is stepping down! He was a true friend of sperm!

Hang on! I can hear New Kids On The Block being cranked up on the stereo!

Must Go!

Right……Ready Or Not…..Here I Come!


But I Won’t Do That!

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Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

Aunty Bill

A Teste Jilting

Aunty Bill

I have just been dumped by my girlfriend for another man. I thought she was the one. All I got was a text. It said “I’m off with Jason. He has his own shoes and doesn’t have a face that looks like Hitler’s good bollock. Can I have my Pink album back as well?”

How can I win her back?

Les, Norwich

Aunty Bill Replies;


Sorry to hear of your woes although it sounds like this girl is gone for good although if you follow my advice there is a slim chance you can still win her back. Invest in a decent pair of comfortable and fashionable shoes (Shoe Zone have a great “Buy one get a pair free” offer on at the moment).

Stamp your own individuality on them by customising them. How about sprinkling the heels with Hundreds and Thousands? This will make you really stand out from the crowd! She will certainly know you mean business and poor Jason will have to raise his game in the footwear stakes to compete with you.

There’s a small chance that people may laugh at you in the street and on the odd occasion throw something at you, but turn the other cheek (the one that doesn’t look like Hitler’s good bollock), you’ll have the last laugh.

Good luck!

Aunty Bill

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Oily George, Gfb’s Beauty Advisor and lifestyle Guru has had a busy few weeks. He has completed the edit of his new motion picture Big Knobs And Broomsticks  and is working on the world’s first porno pop up collection of Christmas Cards.

He has however found the time to answer some more of your questions. We hope you find them useful.

On Borrowed Time

Hello Oily,

I read with interest that you are in the Pawn industry. How much do you think I will get for this watch? I am running low on cider.

Delores, Devon

Oily Replies,

Sorry Delores I hate this, when a reader wanders down the wrong darkly lit corridor. This is Oily’s Beauty Tips not Madge’s Moneymarket.

But whilst you are here, and quite the saucy little vixen I’ll wager, let me tell you – many sweet tastes have passed my salivating lips but never cider. It’s kinda common. You drink cider you’ll look end up looking like a bedraggled version of sexpot Sarah Ferguson.

Talking of common, Maybe you should drop by and see my good friend Aunty Bill. Despite her/his cheap pound shop perfume and Matalan nylon slacks, non matching wig and flaking nose hair, there are some who say she/he is full of wisdom ( or Strong Drink) and may be able to answer your questions on what cheap nasty drink to buy to get you through your chavtastic existence.

I know for a fact that Aunty Bill enjoys a glass or two of Blue Nun. I enjoy a Blue Nun in a slightly more physical manner.

Yours judgmentally,


Washer Dryer

Hello Oily

Recently I swallowed a washing machine (A Zanussi – none of your cheap rubbish). As you can imagine the spin cycle causes some trouble in my innards although my whites came out whiter than ever. The trouble is I have become addicted to Fabric Conditioner (Up to 6 bottles a day) and I am starting to develop feelings for my tumble dryer.

The Surgeon (A very nice man if a little shaky) has said an operation is out of the question and has suggested I make the most of predicament by setting myself up as a mobile launderette. Do you think I should offer an ironing service?

Des, Tumbleton

Oily Replies

Hey Des,

At last a question that is right up my alley. And how I love something up my alley. But then don’t we all? No? Ok.

In the curdle-the-cream market for which the Vice Squad know me best, we have many uses for kitchen whites. In these times of economic depression, to save on budget we use said machines as a kind of ‘ female fluffer’.

I used to get the girls ready for their scenes myself using just the tools that The Dark Prince gave me. But I’m not a spring chicken anymore. More a turkey’s giblet.

I haven’t really got the energy I used to have. Plus I have a rheumatic tongue.

And thats where the tumble dryer comes in. Yes girls you know what I’m talking about….as Loony Tune Brian Beach Boy meant to sing before he lost his marbles …’good good good good vibrations, sat atop my Zanussi 1400 with built in dryer function set to spin…..’

Ever Oily Dear Readers……

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