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Archive for the ‘Beauty Tips’ Category

 

My name is Terry Cotter. I’m a potter.

I stock a wide range of ceramic goods in my shop The Potter’s Reel here in Lower Swell. The shop is named after my potter’s wheel which goes round and round. Like a reel.

Here are reviews the world they call “Art”.

1. Painting

Sunflowers – VanGogh’s masterpiece – Some flowers in a vase. Don’t like vases. I Prefer Urns. More hygenic. Vince cut his ear off. That must have smarted.

2. Movies

Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid – A western set in the west.  Gary Numan is in it. Goes on a bit. Has that song about raindrops on his bonce.

3. Music

Chopin’s Polonaise in A flat major – There’s a bit that goes plinky,plinky, plinky plonk, plonk. After that it goes down hill.

4. Literature

Crime and Punishment by Dostoevsky – A Russian bloke commits a crime and is punished for it. Goes on a bit.
Village News

The mime festival will take place by the counter in the Post Office next Wednesday. Thanks to Jeff Smegly for the face paint.

‘Til next time – The Wheel Keeps On Turning!

TCTP

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As you know we are always being told to have 5 a day! I couldn’t agree more!

cupboard crackhead copy

 

I recommend a Marijuana, Vodka, Crack, Speed, Smack sandwich – on locally sourced Wholegrain naturally.

No butter as it is bad for the heart.

Peace and Love

Uncle Crackhead

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Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

Dear AB,

I am helping my girlfriend with her maths homework. We are stuck on 6×3 –
she says it is 247 and I think it is 63.

Which of us is right?

Shane, Sydney, Oz

Shane,

Take the square root of 6. Divide this by the number times you ever see three buses all of the same number and colour on the same route on the same day (this bit is important – they must be the same colour or the equation won’t work).

Sub divide by the number of Pot Noodles you and your girlfriend have eaten in the last week.

Add the two numbers together and subtract the number of times you’ve said the words “One Direction are changing the way we think about popular music in a post modernist society”.

If you’ve followed the above correctly the answer should be 12.

Good luck!

Aunty Bill

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spermwithaperm

Hi Everyone!

Two words that strike fear into sperm.

Erectile Dysfunction.

Lately with him we’ve had more  chance of raising the Titanic. A diet of oily fish and Sandra Bullock films played havoc with his urgings.

Then it all changed yesterday – during a documentary about Giraffes.

Before you can say “what a load of codswallop” – his downstairs blood flow picks up – and she got more than that egg and tomato sandwich for tea!

I am one happy zygote!

Right……Ready Or Not…..Here I Come!

sperm_wiggle

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Jackson Pollock.

A name synonononononomous with Modern Art.

At last GFB can answer the conununununudrum that art lovers have been asking, “How did he do it?”

With A Sausage!

As the picture below reveals, Jacko (to his mates) daubed, dabbed and splatted his way to artistic glory using the humble banger.

pollock copy

Jackson and his sausage working on Number 11

In the upcoming book, “The Art of Sausage – Meat and Mayhem,” author Lester Mould reveals that Jackson experimented with Frankfurters, Bratwursts and Chorizo before settling on the good old Irish Banger for his applications.

“Jackson discovered the Irish Banger had a greater flicking distance, dribbling capacity and splatter power than more porous American sausages of the time. Just imagine if he hadn’t developed the Sausage techniques he may have continued in his quest to find the perfect way to apply paint using cauliflowers.  Lucky for us he did!”

Cauliflower Art never really took off. Sadly.

 

 

 

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Hello Oily

Which do you think is more likely to make a comeback as a hairstyle for men, the perm or the mullet?

I like Jon Bon Jovi’s locks – they are teased, tousled and perfectly match his cock rock power rock ballads about being a dead or alive cowboy on a steel horse whilst keeping the dream alive and our love will never die cos we were meant to be together and holding on together ‘cos he rides a steel cowboy often in the rain.

Bet his hair never gets wet though.

Toby, Moray

Oily Replies,

Toby,

I go for the sleek and sensual Silver Fox look. Easily maintained and always stays in position even when I have my ‘watersports’ weekends with the Compton Fetishist Society here in Crazy City.

Yes, my sexual proclivities are not bound by class creed or colour. Or species, if you believe the tittle tattle written in the Catholic Herald this week. But I deny those charges vehemently.

Was simply a misunderstanding.

Woof Woof.

You really know the lyrics of Bon Jovi don’t you. Well done and have a biscuit.

I love Twisted Sister – the relation not the band.

Regards, Oily

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Still Giving Lurve

Pump Up The Volume

Last night I applied hair volumiser to my pubic region. I woke up this morning with a crotch so bouffant that I can’t put my pants on.

I have a big date with Natalie from accounts tonight, was hoping to take things to the next level – but what is she going to think when I drop me strides and mr pubic Afro pops into view?

Worried Les

Oily Replies;

When pondering these problems I like to slither into my bath, lay myself in Extra Industrial Castrol and let nature take it’s course. I do all my best , ahem, pondering in the bath.

I then retire to the drawing room donning my ‘Noel Coward Rocks My World’ silk dressing gown and matching slippers, sip a brandy and ponder further the problems that beset my poor readers.

Shave the offending pubes into the shape of something meaningful to Natalie, something that will make her realise she is with a man who has empathy and isn’t afraid to show his feminine side.

The following are some suggestions of the images that most speak to the sweet little things;

A flower

A fluffy kitten playing with a ball of string

A 6 month old baby gurgling in a pram in a summer’s meadow with the sun blazing down.

An ironing board.

Cutting your mangy pubes into any of the above is a romantic gesture and would win over the hardest of hearts and ensure you get your oats.

If it doesn’t then she’s obviously a lesbian. If that’s the case get your camcorder and follow her home…..I pay big money for such footage.

Oily

 

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spermwithaperm

The Sperm With A Perm will be providing a regular update on his hopes and fears for impregnation.

Hi Everyone!

Been ages!

It was my cousin Tom’s 3rd minute birthday! Just imagine trying to play musical chairs with 120 million others! Takes Ages! Fold out chairs as well – took ages to set up. I prefer pass the parcel myself but everything gets a bit sticky.

No sign of impregnating an egg at the moment!

Sentient life will be great though – better than this load of bollocks! Think of it! Arthritis! Embarrassment! Laughter! Riding A Bike! Love! Having A Crush On Mother Theresa! ONIONS! Masturbation! (although would that be genocide?!)

Just gotta find that egg!

This bloody hot weather plays havoc with his juices!

Boner me beauty!

Must Go!

Right……Ready Or Not…..Here I Come!

sperm_wiggle

But I Won’t Do That!

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Still Giving Lurve One Year On

Cellulite Blues

Please help me Oily George!

At first I thought cellulite was the lost tribe of Israel. Then my friend Amanda thought it was a low fat spread. She is kinda right as it has spread all over my thighs. I’ve tried lard, monkey innards and even laid a Barbara Taylor Bradford novel over the affected area – alas to no avail.

What can you suggest?

Sue, Melton Mowbray

Oily Replies

What you mean they aren’t a lost tribe of Israel?

In my line of business – ‘grown ups art’, cellulite is indeed a concern as I know that my discerning fans, as they sit peering at the screen, tissue in hand, do not wish to observe what looks like discarded orange peels wriggling in ecstasy. Puts some people off their, eh, stroke, if you will. There is a surgery close to my home here in Silicon Valley which deals with this problem. I’ll send you the contact details. Meantime Sue perhaps you could send me a picture of your breasts lathered in baby oil? It’ll give the surgeons a better idea of which procedure best suits.

Lasciviously Yours

Oily

 

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Hello

Gingerfightback gained access to the Royal Stud yesterday to nab this picture of the racehorse owned by The Queen who has failed a drugs test (the horse that is not Her Majesty – although she is partial to Charles’ organic Duchy Originals Ganja).

The photo clearly shows the horse named Have A Bang On This Little Number, abusing drugs in a most unseemly manner.

seahorse1 copy

Pink Floyd Really Speaks To Him

 

The Queen was unavailable for comment as she was in Scotland to open the  Commonwealth Games. To celebrate this great day for the land of the long sweaty sock, Liz festooned her bonnet with Scotch Eggs!

QE2

One Has The Munchies

 

 

 

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