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Aunty Bill,

I have been going out with a tortoise for a couple of weeks now. She is lovely and really enjoys gangsta rap, as do I.

I called round to see her last night and her mum said she couldn’t come out as she was hibernating in a shoe box stuffed with straw for the next four months.

What shall I do Aunty Bill? I am bereft without her and had bought tickets for the upcoming W’anka B’igwilly Gayreally concert.

Brandon, Utah

Aunty Bill Replies;

Hi Brandon,

One of the drawbacks of dating household pets, particularly a toothless land reptile with a soft body encased in a dome shaped shell (with the addition of clawed limbs) is that you have to adopt the softly softly catchee tortoise approach.

No good rushing things here pal. The best you can hope for is three to four months company from your new girl as its box time for the rest of the year, chowing down on lettuce and sleeping.

Nice idea with the tickets there Brandon (have you heard Fab Five Freddy & the Fuckwits latest? It’s sick, as the the youngsters say here on the wing). Hope you realise its going to take a long time to get there.

If the gig is in July I’d set off today.

Have you considered a Terrapin? You get to go swimming a lot. They are much smaller and more mobile. And they don’t eat lettuce.

Good luck!

Aunty Bill

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Ginger troubadour, Ed Sheeran was interviewed again by Gfb about music, Taylor Swift,  his pet sausage Dennis and his passion for coach holidays.

edsheeran

46 year old Ed, whose new single “I Managed To Rope Pharrell In” is released, soon told Gfb’s Mandy Trifle, “The collaboration with Pharrell came about because we both wear hats! I like beanies that smell a bit in the rain, not the fancy pants ones that Vivienne Westwood designs for him. When Dennis, my pet sausage also pointed out that we were both black and Ginger, it seemed silly not to do a duet.”

Ed 27, also explained how he came to collaborate with beanpole pop superstar Taylor “Hammers Of Justice” Swift. Their duet, “I Managed To Rope Taylor In” topped the charts.

“Dennis pointed out that the since both Taylor and I are white, women and been on a date with Harry Styles from No Direction. It seemed silly not to do a duet. It went to #1 in 46 countries including Belgebourg, a place that doesn’t even exist!”

Redhead Ed, 33 told us that he is knackered and needs a holiday. “My beanie needs a wash. So I’ve booked a coach trip around the Lake District for me and Dennis to watch sheepdog trials. I like sheep. Do you? Baa Baa.”

Come By Lad!

 

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Imagine you own a dog called Rover, Fido, Barney or something else. One day you are out walking your dog and throw a ball or stick or body part for the mutt to chase and return. Sadly you forget your arm strength and the object lands in the deep undergrowth. Dog runs into said undergrowth in a show of canine fidelity. Cur never returns.

You are heartbroken and confused. What happened to your dog? What happened to your ball, stick or body part? To which there is no answer. You are bereft. How can you replace such a loyal, steadfast, slobber chopped companion?

Simple! With a pie!

dog walker copy

Could This Be The Family Pet Of The Future?

Gingerfightback conducted an opinion poll in a pie shop in east London to find out which pie would make the best pet. Not surprisingly Apple Pie came out top. But savoury pies took most of the top positions! We asked Professor Alfred T. Damp-Patch, Professor of Advanced Cobblers at the University of Salamanca for his views and he told us, “Really? How interesting. I’m allergic to short crust pastry. Where’s the bar?” pie

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spermwithaperm Hi Everyone!

Been a while!

Two Words!

Tight Underpants!

As hot as hell in here while he wore that thong.

Then it all changed yesterday!

Boxers!

Aaaahh the sheer relief of a dangling pair of knackers. (Go the whole hog and make kilts compulsory – let ’em sway fellas!)

Oh well time to get back in the saddle. Giddy Up!

As Tennyson may have written, “Into the Valley of Death, rode the 40 million…….”

Right……Ready Or Not…..Here I Come!

sperm_wiggle

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Which came first?

 

chick3

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Vermeer_The_Girl_With_The_Pearl_Earring_(1665) copy

Hello Aunty

I recently had a new leg sewn on. Unfortunately the surgeon had been on the ale for several days and sewed a leg of lamb on by mistake. Whilst this caused initial embarrassment my boyfriend said not to worry as his head is made of cauliflower and his elbows are made of roast potatoes.

He said he always fancied roasting me and the leg of lamb just seems to spur him on.

Should I be worried?

Baaarbaaara, Sheppey

Dear Baaarbaaara;

I wouldn’t be too worried, this is early days and after allowing the leg to knit fully, a bit of lop sided walking should be possible with the aid of a shepherds crook for support.

Ewe should be aware that in less developed countries where prosthetics are in their infancy, animal/vegetable substitutes have been used for many years to replace missing or deformed body parts. In the Ewe K it’s still a relatively new form of surgery and considerably cheaper than going for the real thing.

Whilst out and about you’ll attract attention and the odd barbed comment but a quick word from the cauliflower kid and dig in the ribs from his Maris Pipers should avoid any unpleasant incidents.

You may be interested in reading the story of the Kathmandu Ken, the blind postman, who had the head of a domestic cat transplanted on to his shoulders after attending the vet instead of the local hospital (an easy mistake to make if you can’t see). His inspiring stories of being able to see in the dark, chase mice for food, sleep for 18 hours a day and clean his own arse make for truly inspiring reading.

Just keep the mint sauce under lock & key as you don’t want to be a midnight feast for your root cropped beau.

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Hello

About a year ago we cause quite a stir with this post about Gibbons, Banjos and the Diary of lost Missionary Obadiah Melordy, who was the first honky to witness Gibbons plucking banjos in their natural habitat.

Here once again are those revelatory images and the extract from Obadiah’s Diary

It was the American Baptist Missionary Obadiah Melordy in his zeal to convert the peoples of the Bangpang peninsula to all things Godly who discovered their talent.

His diary (published posthumously in 1907) recounts the extraordinary events;

March 23rd 1887

“There is still no sign of my banjo, taken two days hence from outside the tent whilst Mrs Melordy and I succumbed to the steamy surroundings in a rigorous bought of intercourse both sexual and social. My lovely wife had sought to reassure me that my instrument (which in an act of wanton sentimentality I had named Jefferson) would be returned with an immediacy that would allow us to draw a veil over this unfortunate act of larceny and Godlessness amongst the peoples of the peninsula.

Up to this point the natives had shown a typically witless savage charm when faced with superior Godly white folk. At approximately noon today however, they appeared restless and in a state of high dudgeon. Mrs Melordy attaching her seventh undergarment, advised me to draw back the flaps of the tent.

And lo! A sound, the like of which neither I nor my wife would ever have considered and Scripture had never prepared us for, swam around us. Banjos being played like a whispered lullaby.

“Mr Melordy! Jefferson is being strummed!” my wife declared, “I believe I can hear another. Now another! Now a fourth! Look up yonder in the lee of the great tree!”

My dutiful wife, so long a bastion of petticoated virtue fainted. I cast my gaze toward the direction of the sound expecting to see natives playing some simple, godless tune upon Jefferson.

Instead I saw a troop of Western Hoolock Gibbons, idly swinging in the trees strumming banjos, each with a practiced ease that took me back to the front porch of my Father’s stead in Kansas.

Within the notation I could hear the harmonies of a favourite Christmas Carol “Away in a Manger” sung by our small, but spiritually engaged community only three months previous to celebrate Our Lord’s birth. Truly a miracle.”

March 24th 1887

“It would appear from Nincompoop, our one eyed guide and valet that a startling event has unfolded. I had asked him to retrieve Jefferson from the light fingered Gibbons and in his innocent savage way he had set off at dawn eager to please me (They are such a happy people when guided by God’s word!)

He returned only to bid Mrs Melordy and I to follow him. With trepidation we followed. Only the sound of my beloved’s petticoats rustling under my tunic could be heard. Mrs Melordy fainted due to the Christian application of a whalebone corset.

We left a guide with her and moved on.

Nincompoop and I crept forward. Closer to the troop. We were greeted by a sight of such perspicacity and dexterity that I too nearly swooned. For in a clearing sat the large troop of Gibbons with the adults strumming Banjos.

A large male was threading a recently made instrument with steel wire, presumably stolen from our provisions. Around him were strewn several roughly made tools.

We watched. Amazed. Nincompoop produced an ancient revolver (a trophy from the earlier Wesleyite missionary St John Tabard of Sevenoaks, England, whose end has never been fully explained) and took a bawdy aim at the large male. I placed a hand on his shoulder and intimated that we back away and leave the troop to strum in peace.

March 25th 1887

I am pleased to say Mrs Melordy has fully recovered from her fainting fit and we had just completed another rigorous bought of intercourse, both sexual and social, when the Gibbons’ Banjos struck up once more.

This time they played a Waltz! Seized, I am ashamed to say by the Godless desire to dance, Mrs Melordy and I reeled for several minutes as we used to in our courting days before sadly she succumbed to the heat and fainted once more.

I am no longer convinced about the efficacy of Whalebone corsets and have vowed not to wear women’s under garments in the tropics.

As I awaited her revival I studied scripture. There was nothing I could find that  explain how Gibbons, low savage beasts as they are, could construct and play Banjo’s in such a delightful manner. I am perplexed.”

So are we Mr Melordy, so are we!

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Hello,

Rain is on the way, Tomcat Fightback has fallen asleep in a saucepan and my feet are cold.

So here is that Happy Goose again!

Goose

And here is the brilliant Spanish Fresco restoration from last year!

fresco_rescue

Hope they tickle your fancy as much as mine!

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Oily George’s latest erotic masterpiece “Hand Shandy III” will be available soon. The perfect Xmas gift .

Hello Oily

The hinge on my wardrobe door has a terrible squeak and every time I open it my pet Budgie, Roger enters a catatonic state.

I’ve tried a wide range of ungents, moisturisers and gels all to no avail.

Will you see if your abundant reservoirs of natural emulsifiers can silence the darn door and give Roger the peace he craves and deserves?

Ariadne, Ullapool

Hello Ariadne

Lordy this is my lucky week! Such a beautiful woman and Budgie both in need of my attentions! Of course I will slip by anytime to check on your wardrobe door. I will bring my vast array of elixirs and pungent purifying potions which will need to be applied on the hinges of your wardrobe doors, and locks. And your buttocks. And the Budgie. That should do the trick.

Whilst there, maybe I can tell you about the new company I am setting up, Long and Hard Productions. Looking for a new PA and I feel you will fit the bill perfectly.

The Oilster

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new oily

Hello Oily

My pet parrot recently told me that my bum did look big in my new dress. So I had the bastard whacked by a local Mafia hit squad. Do you think my bum looks big in this dress?

Psycho Anne, Next Door

Oily Replies;

Well Anne,

That is an interesting photo. Was looking at it upside down for 3 minutes before I realised.

Love the way you block out the sun. And are those feathers sticking out below your derriere? There was no mafia hit squad was there…You just sat on it right?

I should report you to the Save the Parrot Foundation that I have just created in my head. However I shall be more constructive. We are currently shooting a series of adult erotic dramas for fans of the more curvaceous and voluptuous human form. ‘Ride the Ripple’ we call it. There is a place or two for you  if you are interested.

Wobble sister!

Oily

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