Recently we enquired about the cost of a Safari to Kenya. “Just for two mate, not the entire cast of Hair!” I replied to the quote the sweaty travel agent provided.
As we left, we bumped into our old friend and economy traveller supreme Contour D. Klepto.
“Sell me your teeth Fightback” was his opening gambit.
I explained my predicament. He handed me a copy of his latest book “Drug Trotting – Round The World On A Stuffed Rectum”.
Chapter 7 outlined his trip to Kenya’s Masai Mara game reserve!
Day 1 – Hyde Park London – London Balloon Festival – pinch dirigible shaped like Princess Anne’s head – float towards Kent Coast. Faisal, a Moroccan shoeshine, awoke in balloon’s basket with a start.
Day 1 – The Channel – Losing height – throw Faisal out – he lands in briny – his sturdy Fez takes most of the impact.
Day 3 – France – Shot down over Marseille by scrambled French fighter jets – a balloon the shape of Princess Anne’s head is easy meat for a Dassault 125. Land in Hummus factory on outskirts of City.
Day 3 – France – Find employment in hummus factory as chick pea skinner. My naturally powerful buttocks very handy.
Day 17 France – Cadge a lift on articulated lorry carrying three thousand hummus cartons bound for Italy. My rucksack contains thirty tubs.
Day 18 Italy – Hitchhiking – picked up by former German International Footballer – Gerhard Spanker. It was Spanker who won the last gasp moustache grow off with Gary Mackerel that sent England crashing out of the 1985 World Cup.
Day 18 Italy – Arrive at Silvio Berlusconi’s Lake Como villa – Silvio having a new head stapled to his neck – Spanker falls into arms of an 18 year old busty beauty who describes herself as a wannabee lab technician seeking a cure for Alzheimer’s. She answers the phone by speaking to a fridge door.
Day 19 Italy – Bribe a policeman, with three tubs of hummus to drive me to port of Brindisi. Policeman wants to meet a girl who is lab technician seeking a cure for Alzheimer’s. I know just the girl. Kind of.
Day 20 – Stowaway on the “SS Catenaccio” which is carrying a cargo of pita breads and pre-chopped dipping vegetables to Alexandria!
Day 22 – Alexandria, Egypt – use empty hummus pots to build false camel hump – lash myself to a Dromedary which is part of a Caravan bound for Ethiopia. Surprised nobody notices me.
Day 68 – Egypt/Sudan Border – Bad breathed male camel takes a shine to me. Worrying.
Day 75 – Northern Sudan – Male camel buys me Jim Reeves CD in bizarre courtship ritual. Very worrying.
Day 308 – Ethiopian Border – Bump into Bob Geldof and Bono – they are making ham and tomato sandwiches for (presumably) starving locals – Bono is a natural spreader – great wrist action. I tell them my tale – Geldof to set up Hump Hummus Aid.
Day 309 – Geldof tells me that Huey Lewis and The News have signed up to “Hump Hummus Aid” – Bono asks me to nip to his private jet and pick up a bottle of Mayonnaise as he is running low.
Day 309 – Land stolen Bono Boeing in Nairobi Airport. Bribe Kenyan officials with three thousand rounds of ham, cheese and crab paste sandwiches – and four hand finished Cornish Pasties.
Day 310 – Hire Masai Mara warrior to guide me on last leg of journey. The narrow Kenyan roads make manoeuvring Bono’s Jumbo awkward. Pick up a speeding ticket.
Day 312 – Make it! Watch Pride of Lions eat a Tzatziki magnate. Thank my lucky stars. Discover two other things. Lions love Cornish Pasties but struggle with the music of U2.
“Give us me fookin’ Jumbo back!” Bono cries from his spare jet.
Price Comparison
British Airways
Flights; London to Nairobi – Time 10 hrs 30 minutes
2 Week Safari Package – £2,650 per person
Tight Fisted Traveller
Time Taken 7,488 Hours
Travel Costs – Nil!
You Decide!
This is an old TFT tale. He is venturing to the Antarctic at the moment and will soon relive his tale in his new book “Fuck Me It’s Cold.”
Time in France as a hummus skinner seem to pay great dividends.
Oops … I was so excited about the outcome, I mean a chickpea skinner.
A career that takes you places plus as much fibre a bowel can handle – win win Frank!
… and win-win that you are back!
Been travelling and writing – are you well?
Good to know that you are well! … many worried. Meanwhile, all well at this end … just of a sore leg today from a minor surgery yesterday.
I wish you a speedy recovery and look forward to dollops of Onion based satire!
Thanks … and the next post will be my mid-week satire with numerous tasty bits.
Can’t wait for that book.
Good it’s not the entire cast of hair. Hummus causes such tangles.
Bono needs to make more sandwiches and stop worrying about his ‘fookin’ jumbo jet…
There is a huge “amywhere on the cheap” market waiting to be discovered. Everywhere.
Always!
Day 75 is very worrying especially as I enjoy Jim Reeves! 🙂 And Sing-a-longer Max… 🙂 hehe..
I think I see a possible connection between hummus and an Alzheimer’s cure. Bono gets in on all the big announcements!
He does Debra – poor lad has broken his elbow though….
A truly inspiring blog post, Jim, which makes me want to get my ham and tomato sandwiches ready and head off into the Big Yonder.
Just chant “I must have masai mara mascara” in the morinings Kate and it will be as if you were really in the drift valley!
Hey, where did you go? I hope this isn’t a sign of an untimely end for our favourite budget traveller…
Back from Oz and the Far East at the weekend! Will be fireing up the nonsense in a day or two’s time. Are you well?
Awesome! I am well, but have thrown out a good half-dozen posts that I’ve deemed unworthy for the public at-large, so I’m afraid you’ll find tumbleweeds over on my blog these days.
Keep going!
I think you must have gone on a real safari after this one! Haven’t seen any ginger hair for a while now… Hope all is well!
Hey – like Suzy, worried you’re tangled in a burkha, trapped under a fallen potter’s wheel…slipped on some oil drippings….tied to a train track…..
Beam up a beacon for Holler-Ring
Hello – I am fine thanks – just spent a few weeks travelling and writing – jetlag now cleared so GFB will be barking back in a day or two’s time! How is Houston?
Hey – always good to get out and live life. Sounds like time well spent. Glad things are OK there.
(Just the normal nuttiness here…80 degrees one day and 40 and grey the next.)
rest up. We’ll sit quietly and wait for the new tales.
Cheers!
What has happened to GFB? Its been a month…I miss Oily George. No really.
Hello – been travelling for a few weeks and writing a novel as well. Back now so GFB will fire up later this week – are you well?
As they say its a scream working in B2B software. Actually they don’t
I can’t imagine why – are you well?
Yes what were you doing in Iceland (I stalked you to Facebook – I do that when people suddenly stop blogging, I kind of immediately assume they are dead)
Iceland is cheap for milk.
Indeed. But so is Aldi. And you can’t seriously go to Iceland for milk. Peter Andre has taken up residence.
He spreads more quickly than Ebola
Seems you must still be on your travels Ginger.. Just dropping in as I am missing the Crazy Potter.. 🙂 Hope all is well with you Ginger??
Hi Sue
Very well thanks – got home at the weekend – just seen off the jetlag so be firing up GFB this week! Are you well?
Ginger glad you enjoyed your trip and will look out for your new posts.. I am very well thank you too.. Not been on WP all week.. that busy.. 🙂 so hope you will soon get your bearings.. Enjoy your weekend
Sue xox