Aunty Bill,
I have been going out with a tortoise for a couple of weeks now. She is lovely and really enjoys gangsta rap, as do I.
I called round to see her last night and her mum said she couldn’t come out as she was hibernating in a shoe box stuffed with straw for the next four months.
What shall I do Aunty Bill? I am bereft without her and had bought tickets for the upcoming W’anka B’igwilly Gayreally concert.
Brandon, Utah
Aunty Bill Replies;
Hi Brandon,
One of the drawbacks of dating household pets, particularly a toothless land reptile with a soft body encased in a dome shaped shell (with the addition of clawed limbs) is that you have to adopt the softly softly catchee tortoise approach.
No good rushing things here pal. The best you can hope for is three to four months company from your new girl as its box time for the rest of the year, chowing down on lettuce and sleeping.
Nice idea with the tickets there Brandon (have you heard Fab Five Freddy & the Fuckwits latest? It’s sick, as the the youngsters say here on the wing). Hope you realise its going to take a long time to get there.
If the gig is in July I’d set off today.
Have you considered a Terrapin? You get to go swimming a lot. They are much smaller and more mobile. And they don’t eat lettuce.
Good luck!
Aunty Bill
gingerfightback.wordpress.com 
Maybe she just needs a little more warmth? Portable heat lamp to make her your ’round the calendar girl?
A wonderful idea – will rig one up tonight for her.
Also the turtle will live to be a 100. Not sure Brandon will still be in love or buried
What can be done with a heartbroken hundred year old turtle?
Oh poor Brandon. Does he know how dirty these tortoises can be? They have some really filthy habits. I’d rather not point them all out here, but Brandon is free to call me. I’ll talk him out of this relationship, I promise!
At last – what the world really needs – a tortoise love telephone helpline!