Hello Aunty;
Where I come from, a woman selects her life partner by slapping him/her with a wet haddock. Sadly, due to Climate Change, warming oceans and over fishing, the wet haddock shoal has all but disappeared.
The only thing I can lay my hands on now is a 15 lb lump hammer and am worried that the man I have chosen for the rest of my life, known locally as Ted The Runt, may not withstand the tap of love.
Any tips?
Big Elsie, Stockport
Dear Elsie;
Stop! In the name of love!
Before approaching Ted with the lump hammer (although it sounds like he’s not adverse to a smack on the chops with a heavy implement) have you considered the alternatives?
Haddock does seem to have had its chips but there are a wealth of bottom feeders out there that will adequately do the job. Cheap, ugly and prone to instant decay if not used promptly (bit like Ted’s gnashers I hear) they would make any man fall gratefully onto your ample, heaving bosom (if not shove a couple of pickled eggs up your blouse, goes well with the fish).
Alternatively if you’re having trouble sourcing bottom feeders, a family sized bag of Asdas frozen whole tail scampi should suffice. Cheap and if swung with sufficient force it will have a similar effect to a 15lb hammer.
How about adding a few jars of tartar sauce to the bag for extra effect?
Tartar for now!
Aunty
Elsie should be careful. If Ted is upset that she doesn’t use a fish, he may flip her.
(Read it again.)
(Yeah, sorry, couldn’t resist.)
On a scale of 1-10…..
Now you’re playing my tune! Ahh…
I love a spot of Gill Scot Herring
Got anything by Tommy Dorsal?
Sadly not but have plenty of Sole Music
good stuff, no trout about it!
Stop carping on!
Sorry – that last one was just a fluke.
It brings out the prawn again Christian in e
Compared to you, spiritually, I’m probably just a shrimp.
You are making me feel crabby
No need to be rude. Just squid it.
If you are not careful this comment thread will become full of fish puns…you’ll have to scale back on that kind of thing.
Cheers JD I will have to shoalittle respect
Ted the run should be advised he’s in danger of being labeled a ‘battered’ spouse.
Sorry…not nearly as good as “flip her.” 🙂
The whole thing sounds fishy to me.
The shrimp are jumping tonight. I have no idea what this means, but it seems important.
If that ain’t a metaphor for life……!
I could do with a good fish to the head, actually.
We all have our needs…….
Mine appears to be a little desperate at the moment….
Slapping Ted the Runt with a hammer or a haddock seems more like a sport.
We could call it Runting or maybe Runt Slap – play it on ice too. The Slap Off would make for great TV
Runt Slap would also make a good title for a show.
Don’t tell me, Jonny Carson got there first!