Gfb has received a letter outlining the Government’s crackdown on the crackdown on the Welfare State.
The letter entitled, “Have A Bang On This!” was written by the Secretary of State for Work and Fuckery, Iain Drunken-Spliff on parchment comprising 32 King Size Rizlas.
It reveals a harsh future regime of benefits conditionality, as well as plans to extradite convicted benefit cheats to “Jockland” in what Duncan-Spliff calls a ‘crackdown on the crackdown on shirkers, shysters and roach bandits. If the Jocks vote for independence they can have our dossers and we will let them keep the pound.”
“I’m not fucking having it anymore,” states Duncan-Spliff, “These northern layabouts, disableds and lone parents are a real drain on our resources. And they won’t vote cos the fuckers can’t read or write. Gove has played a blinder on that one!”
“Look after the pennies…..”
The letter continues;
“By victimising the poorest we are onto something! The blame the Muslims campaign is gathering momentum nicely too……. Has Osborne pinched my bong?”
Drunken-Spliff’s proposals include;
• Making all new Jobseekers undertake 2 weeks mandatory Lollipop Man/Woman duty. Failure to comply will lead to the claimant’s house being set on fire. With the claimant inside.
• Inviting disabled people for weekly check ups. Physical and Medical examinations will be held in public with three X-factor style judges scoring them. It will be a mixture of Britain’s Got Talent and The Cube. “The public will love it,” Drunken-Spliff notes, “A benefits system based on Reality TV!”
• Moving the default pension age to 80. “We’ll save billions!”
• Ex-offenders, drug addicts and feckless youngsters will be chained together and set to work on HS2. “Those train tunnels won’t dig them fucking selves.”
“I simply say…….”
It has long been suspected that poor people cause poverty. The proposed actions have been long overdue.
Sounds like he’s stealing his ideas from the US.
Can we just give him all our politicians so he has them right there by his side?
Feel free!
Hilarious….if only some people weren’t actually approaching this.
Give it 5 years…..
Hill air Rio zzzz
They could save taxpayers’ money by consolidating the first two proposed changes and examining the handicapped lollipops every week (unless their handicap results from having their lollipop pulled off while jumping a fence or something).
I will write to the Government with this idea – expect a knighthood in the post
Seems a shame to stop at 80 for pension eligibility. How about moving everyone above 70 to more physical type jobs for their last ten years of work. Billions more could be saved on the attrition rate.
Marvellous idea John. This is real compassion in action.
I love Wallace. Or is it Gromit. Can never remember
Gromit is the dog
All good sound plans. Only, isn’t 80 a bit young for a pension?
You. Are probably right!
Those are all pretty outlandish ideas except for the Reality TV one. Scores of people would gladly chop off their own limbs just to get a spot on TV. It’s a win-win!
I hope Ginger you are running in the Local elections… 🙂 you’d get my vote.. 🙂 xxx Have a great week xx Sue
Likewise Sue!
Axe pensions, say I. Think of the savings.
You’d get my vote, too 🙂
Nice to see a consensus forming around this Kate! Logan’s Run seems a sensible compromise…..
Australia urgently needs the services of Drunken-Spliff to improve the economy and set an example to our young for higher standards in the use of English language.
You are welcome to him!