Reality Bites And The Death Of TV – A Rant By Mike Crawshaw

He didn’t do well

Not that long ago, us Brits prided ourselves won being different. Original, you might say. We have original artists, poets and writers and great writers of popular music and innovative TV programmes, especially ground breaking comedy.

Known to the Americans as ‘Monnie Paethaaaan’.

 There was a time when ex-RAF fighter pilots would stroll into the office of the BBC’s Director of Comedy and say, “Morning Old Boy. I say, I’ve this terrific idea for a sit-com etc; etc;” and were told to “Go orf and put together a couple of pilot shows ( no RAF pun intended) and we’ll take it from there, arf arf”.

Like a good wine, a comedy series developed. Invariably the first series was a ‘suck it and see’ affair and probably not a huge hit with the public but the characters and writing developed in later series, producing blockbuster comedy such as the aforementioned Python, Dad’s Army, The Good Life and even The Fast Show which was, I believe, a slow starter.

In 2011 Paul Whitehouse and Charlie Higson had a swipe at the BBC’s policy regarding follow up series after the Corporation turned down their proposal for a second series of ‘Bellamy’s People’ on the basis that the first series did not pull in enough viewers. They argued, quite rightly, that this was normal for a new series.

So what do they now have to replace these little gems of innovation and comedy genius?

I’ll tell you what!

‘Celebrity Pie Throwing’, ‘Celebrity Dog Grooming’, ‘Celebrity Brain Surgery’, ‘Celebrity Bull Fighting’ (if only).

As the great Jim Royle would say,”Celebrities my arse”.

Look up ‘Celebrity’ in the dictionary and it will advise the following ‘Celebrity : A famous or well known person’.

So who are these fake tanned, Botox riddled, brain dead arseholes onto whom the epithet ‘Celebrity’ is bestowed?

Is there nothing these sad bastards won’t do to revive what was once a lack of talent teetering on the brink of a career? From munching live insects ” Oh my Gaaad, oh my Gaaad” to throwing themselves off ski slopes slightly higher than my front doorstep – “AAAAGGGHHH, Shiiiiiit” ……..and that’s just the viewers’ reaction!

There was a time when, if the BBC came up with a ground breaking idea for a programme that blew the viewing figures out of the water, ITV would say ” We’ll have to come up with something better.”

Not any more.

Take the hugely successful ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ on the BBC.

Do the ITV say “It’s a fair cop, we didn’t see that one coming, we’ll put our heads together and come up with something to counteract this success, a completely different genre;  ground breaking comedy perhaps? An award winning drama series? Animals fornicating in a moonlit jungle just as you’re sitting down to your evening meal?”

Not a bit of it.

What inspired, creative, original idea do they come up with?

“Stepping Out”………..”Stepping fucking Out”!

One can only imagine the Think Tank Brainstorming that formed this little nugget.

“Right, OK guys, I’ll like make this quick. We need like to eclipse ‘Strictly’. We all have like Media Degrees. Should be a piece of piss. Any ideas out there?”

“Well Simon, as I see it, like breaking it down into like it’s constituent parts, we have like two people and dancing.”

“And a band.”

“Yes Freddie and a band”.

“So we have like a celebrity and a dancing teacher like dancing to a band”.

“OK guys, here’s the plan. The concept. Dancing. Two people, dancing. But like here’s the really clever bit guys, the two people like know each other, they’re like, you know, husband and wife or two people who met at school and have like kissed each other or something, pfffff”.

“That’s like really cool. What’s the title?”

“How about like, ‘ Strictly Come Dancing But With Two People Who Know Each Other Like’?”

Cut to three weeks later…. “Strapping Up?”

“No – bonding insinuation”.

“Stopping Up?”

“Bit anal”.

“Schlepping Up?”

“Too Jewish”.

“Stepping Out?”

“Bang on Toby, good man”.

“Right, all we want now is like a presenter”.

 “Brucie”.

” He’s already taken Robin”.

“Davina McCall?”

” Fuck it, they’ll never notice the difference”.

“Brilliant guys, job done”.

” Anyone fancy a pint?”