Aunty Bill
With all the rain we’ve been having, I’ve been putting the Wife to work fetching and carrying logs from the bottom of the garden. She’s equipped for the inclement weather; sturdy pair of Crocs; plus fours and a rather fetching Tri-corn hat.
However last night after a heavy downpour, she is now marooned, bobbing about on the back lawn. I am scared of water and the cat can’t swim.
How do I proceed? The fire’s nearly out and its getting a bit parky in here.
Driftwood Dave
Cheam
Aunty Bill replies;
Dave
I assume your Wife can’t swim as she would have tried to reach dry land by now. Ensure the wood is kept above head height. If she passes the house, see if she can throw some of the smaller logs to you to keep the fire going.
Best bet is to see which way the wind is blowing and hope she’ll either wash up on the neighbour’s fence or she is blown towards the house where you can retrieve the logs from her and wait for the waters to subside.
Scout round the kitchen to see if there is anything for her to eat whilst in the water. If you have apples these have the advantage of being able to float. She can store them on the corners of her hat.
Tins float well BUT tin openers DON’T so this may be a no no. If you throw her a tin, make sure you don’t hit her on the head.
Hard boiled eggs are a goer as is Spam (sliced not tinned). But first check out if Cheam has a shark problem – sharks can smell Spam from a distance of over one mile away.
Sing to her from an upstairs window; “Message in a Bottle” maybe, the theme from the Titanic would go down well (excuse the pun) – maybe even “Yellow Submarine”!
Aunty Bill
As long as she is floating around your house, you have nothing to worry about. Trust you have had the foresight to put in sturdy fences so that she does not stray into the neighbours’.
Knowing Cheam as I do Ankur – a sturdy fence is a pre-requisite for suburban heaven!
Really inconsiderate of her not to have ensured there were adequate logs in the house before she started swanning around!
Women hey!
I would suggest cocoa butter after you retrieve her – – – if you retrieve her – – – as it will make all those water-logged wrinkles to disappear. Then she will be as good as new – – – well – – – close enough.
Thanks for the great advice Wally!
Have You Ever Seen The Rain by Creedence Clearwater Revival, The River By Bruce Springsteen, Why Does it Always Rain on Me by Travis, the list goes on, you could have a fairly good playlist before she gets washed up at the back door or the water recedes.
Now you’ve told me this I hope she can bob a bit longer so we can work on Now That’s What I Call Drowning! #1
Hahaha. Comedy gold. Brilliant!
I heard she was looking for an off chute stream to go merrily floating away. Far, far away.
Brilliant!
So much helpful advice. I’ll always come to Aunty first for tips on how to handle any emergency or (un)natural disaster!
You will not regret it Kathryn!
Your wife might prefer to hear the Dixie Chicks’ song about Earl, the abusive husband who was given some poisoned black eyed peas to eat by his wife. It might give her ideas. Perhaps you can head her thoughts of revenge off by tossing her a bouquet of roses and chocolates as she floats by.
“Cos Earl had to die” – know the song very well – saw them in London a few years ago – Prince Charles has been to visit her!
Prince Charles likes country music? Wow? He always looks so well-turned out. Does he secretly drive a pickup truck and say loudly “I heard that!” when anyone says anything to him.
Probably
If she’s a slim lady, and Dave has hemorrhoids, he could throw her his doughnut cushion to use as a life buoy ring.
Brilliant!
With all that rain it really irresponsible not to learn how to swim! I do hope this ends well!
Fingers crossed Debra
Love Auntie. Thanks for the tip about Spam. Live near the ocean. Does vegan spam count. LOL!
The Hammer Head Vegan Shark is rarely spotted in the Northern Atlantic so you may want to tread carefully. (Vegan Spam – Yuk!)
Crocs as flotation devices! Great choice of songs, there. (will be an encore I see?)
Wait! Rain paused here …must toss dog out
Best of luck!
Save the wood and dump the wife. She’s just dead wood.
Harsh!