With house prices rises and the attendant debt fuelled boom (where have we heard that before?) beginning to infect our lives again – we are also subjected to the evil that are TV property programmes.
Is Britain the only country in the World who’s programme schedules are infested with programmes such as “Location, Location, Location?” or as Mike Crawshaw reimagines the programme with its fantabulous host and “expert” Kristy Asslop.
Kristy Asslop – She Understands Our Needs
“Welcome to this week’s Located, Located, Located! – Bingo and India are a couple of spoilt little bastards from Surrey who are searching for property in Maida Vale or Richmond, way beyond their price range. They have a deposit of £1,000,000, scraped together by Bingo’s parents, Herry and Celia, after a quick look down the back of the living room sofa.
Hopefully this will prove to be enough to get rid of their tiresome loin fruit and his vapid fiancée who have been plaguing their parental pile since Bingo and India met during a Tofu Punting Party at Cambridge.
They have a budget large enough to pay off the National Debt of Bolivia but still can’t find anything they both like. Bingo wants to be a short tube ride to his job as a back-stabbing chancer in the City whilst India wants to be near her friends, who rather irritatingly, keep moving.
They would both like a party pad with the ‘wow’ factor but there must be somewhere to keep a pony.
Bingo would like to be near a park where he can hide in the bushes to deal with his insecurities. India wants to be near her pony.
Also on Bingo’s tick-list is a basement room where he can go through back copies of ‘Health & Efficiency’ with his Eton chums, Bovril, Toby and Crichton and discuss why, in real life, women have hair and not a smudge?
India wants a pony.
The properties we have shown them so far have not been up to expectation.
India was rather taken with a large, detached, white building with bags of potential at the end of The Mall but we had to point that the little old lady waving on the balcony, was a sitting tenant but we did agree that it was ‘a lovely place to keep a pony’.
Will the old girl move for Bingo and India?
In desperation we showed them a couple of properties in the ‘up and coming’ areas where they would get so much more for their money but as Bingo said there were far too many poor people and India didn’t see one person on a pony.
We were making headway on a property near Abbey Road but this was rejected when they found that the kitchen had no ‘en-suite bathroom’ or stable.
It was at this point that Bingo took me to one side to thank me for all my effort and to say that unfortunately India had her heart set on the detached house in the Mall and if we would be so good as to drop them orf on the way back they felt sure they could bribe the old woman to leave.
We dropped them off at Brick Lane and wished them well. The wankers.”
gingerfightback.wordpress.com 
Do you know what mate, I kept highlighting and copying different lines to quote but with every paragraph, I found a new fucking line. For me; the best post I’ve read on here.
And this…”drop them orf” was probably the pick of the lot.
Will show some Twatter love but it will most likely do nothing for your traffic.
Cheers – it is a rib tickler alright – thanks for the retweety thing.
Sorry to say, but we have a plethora of these shows here in Canada as well. Everyone leaving us knowing our homes are not good enough. Here’s the real kicker though. We also broadcast the British shows like this including your, “Location, Location, Location”. Between Canada, US and Britain we have whole networks dedicated to the rubbish.
It is bizarre to see so many people want to watch programmes that rub their noses in the dung, presented by pure chancers who then become experts in all things economic and household related by dint of the fact that they can open a front door with a key whilst speaking to camera! Strange strange times!
While we were in France we watched a show. It was some kind of B & B competition. It was crazy. I hope India and bingo find a nice warehouse somewhere with a basement.
I’m sure they will – I’ve asked for an update on their search…….
Surely you mean ‘Four in a bed’? And no, it’s not as cool as it sounds…
I am sure I do… 🙂
As the nursery rhyme goes “there were four in the bed and the little one said, Roll over! Roll over!. There were three in the bed etc etc…….”
Personally, I hope the dear old lady utters, in pear-shaped prose, ‘Off with their heads!’
If only…..
Channels. We have whole channels dedicated to these.
I’ve lost more than one afternoon of my wife’s company to these.
Have they considered just moving into a stable and furnishing one of the stalls?
That little condo would cost 500,000 in London today
Hahaha, innit… especially if it was in ‘Stokey’ or similar…
Even Walthamstow!
Ah, I know something about that… though for me Walthamstow going up is actually a good thing, come remortgage time 😉
Ma Fightback’s aunt lives near St James St Station- saw the old girl at Xmas – couldn’t believe the prices of houses! Madness!
My mother loves [the American versions of] these shows. It was all endless yawns until they showed one happy guy from Atlanta who insisted on getting a house for something close to a paper clip and 3 nose hairs. He did it as well, basically carved out space for a kitchen table with a putty knife. That’s the kind of person we can all look up to.
He should be touring schools telling kids about the virtues of thrift. Putty played a huge role in my childhood so thanks for the memories!
There are a lot of “reality shows” here in the U.S. I don’t watch them. I don’t think they’re real. I like PBS and BBC.
Sadly the BBC Has its share of this rubbish over here Gale!
Wankers?
Great word!
Masturbators!
No, no, no! You dared to say a bad word about KIRSTIE?!
Seriously though, I might have binge-watched Location x3, Place under the Sun, Renovation Man, Grand Designs, etc etc more than once or twice in my life….
Never seen them but when she tells us about cushions and thrifty presents etc my blood boils!
Ah. I think that might be ‘Kirstie at home’ or something. Don’t like that either…
The old girl has a battle on her hands. No wonder she is fortifying herself before her guests show up.
Arrivistes have that effect on the blue blooded!
My favorite is one where North Americans are looking for houses in either Central America or sometimes in Europe, relocating for work or retirement. They’ve left all that is familiar to them, presumably starting a new adventure, and then they complain to the person showing them the properties that the kitchens are “too small” or there isn’t a yard. At times I cringe for what sounds like such snobbery! I haven’t yet heard anyone needing a place for their pony, however. But I don’t really watch this garbage, you know!
Neither do I Debra! But it is fascinating how people are so impervious to their own idiocy in these programmes!
We get all your property shows here too, we are stuck watching them because of the deplorable state of tv viewing in the Xmas non-ratings period. Grrrrrr….
Some I don’t mind (I admit it, I love Kevin McCloud) but those greedy idiots who talk a lot about downsizing but still want an ultra modern character property with period features, five bedrooms and a low maintenance few acres I want to strangle!!
They are a pox upon the national psyche! “Downsize And Relocate Up The Arse is a programme desperate to be made!
We have these shows in the US as well. Terrible shows. Why anyone wants to watch rich people find the billion dollar home of their dreams is beyond me. Husband loves them, so I endure. I think we need to see more ‘reality’ shows, though, like Hut Hunters for the Poor.
We have these programmes already in the UK poking the poor with a big TV Ratings stick
Oh, yes, we have these types of shows in the States, too. Although it’s not their intent, they demonstrate what’s so wrong with our society!
Spot on!
Hmmmm! I think it’s a good thing I don’t have TV because as the Brits go so go the Yanks. Hey, are those Scotch eggs the Queen is wearing? Must be part of her austerity measures.
They are indeed Jamie! The poor old girl is down to her last billion! (obviously it is being held in trust for the nation…)