Aunty Bill
Can you help?
I have been going out with a tortoise for a couple of weeks now. The tortoise is lovely if a bit quiet and really enjoys gangsta rap, as do I.
I called round to see her last night and her mum said she couldn’t come out as she was hibernating in a shoe box stuffed with straw for the next four months.
What shall I do Aunty Bill? I am bereft without her and had bought tickets for the upcoming W’anka B’igwilly Gayreally concert.
Toby, Glasgow
Aunty Bill Replies;
Toby,
One of the big drawbacks of dating household pets, particularly a toothless land reptile with a soft body encased in a dome shaped shell (with the addition of clawed limbs) is that you have to adopt the softly softly catchee tortoise approach.
No good rushing things here pal. The best you can hope for is three to four months company from your new girl as its box time for the rest of the year, chowing down on lettuce and sleeping.
Nice idea with the tickets there Brandon (have you heard Fab Five Freddy & the Fuckwits latest? Its sick).
Have you considered a Terrapin? You get to go swimming a lot. They are much smaller and more mobile. And they don’t eat lettuce.
Good luck!
Aunty Bill
gingerfightback.wordpress.com 
Her ma said she was hibernating,
Oh God, I think I’ve made wee wee….
Thanks Lads its been a tough day…. But hilarious ….
Good!
I was hoping for an instructive piece on attaching bowties, as I am in fact dating a fancy tortoise.
There is no answer to that Guap!
Might as well develop a hard shell and remember how slow these things move.
Must respect other’s lifestyle choices and cultures. Hibernation is a difficult habit to break…but for love, who knows?
Indeed Phil – personally I like the notion of shutting down for a few months with only a few nuts in a pouch to sustain me
Phil (above) is right, of course–but as a genuine slowpoke and hibernator myself, I can say that my suitor was the one who had to adjust to my remarkably demanding sleeping schedule!
Hooray!
Perhaps Toby would consider dating an African Spurred Tortoise. Our Darwin doesn’t hibernate. On the other hand he eats continually, which could be a dating drawback. It can get expensive without those hibernating months to give it all a break.
I can imagine Debra but the path of true love!
But what about salmonella????
Love knows no obstacles Susie!
Poor Brandon/Toby. I hope the next four months go by quickly for him. Though by hibernating she risks losing him to a dolphin. Ah, such a romance.
Them Dolphins are harlots!
Aren’t they though!
I don’t even want to picture how they have sex!
Yuk