In the SAS I learned how to kill. In 1986 in a pub in Billericay I killed a man with only the vehemence of my sneer. That’s how dangerous I am.
In my 72nd book on Gulf War, “Kuwait If You Want To – I Won’t” I recount one such gory action.
Chapter 25, “The Pubic Wars”
“The plan had fallen apart. We were stuffed. The RT only received Iraqi Trance Radio Station 105.7 “Mullah Lite” – Let me tell you “Big Box Little Box” cuts down the communication options somewhat in this spiteful, hateful, hostile regime. How hard was it? One word. Hard. That’s how hard it was.
A Dwarf Rapid Reaction Group were in support on our left flank and Nihilist Ninjas were on our right, when they could be bothered. Whose idea was it to allow titches and philosophers into the Forces? Political correctness gone mad.
Rations were gone. I improvised as my field training had taught me. I crocheted chicken stew with potatoes. I always carry a needle and wool in my Ammo belt.
My platoon perked up with the scran inside ’em. Gurkha Tenpin-Bowling and Jellytits O’Loon reccied ahead to locate the Iraqi Death Squad. O’Loon twanged a short burst of “She’ll Be Coming Round The Mountain” on his fibrous pubic hair to signal that he had spotted them. They were seated around the fire. Working on their wrist strength collectively.
If they were willing to engage in mutual masturbation, Dwarves and Nihilists would hold no fear for them. Unless Dwarf tossing meant something else out here.
I had to get closer to their leader, Al Jarreau. But there was no way he was gonna rub my Johnson. I’ll kill for my Queen and Country but I was not letting a big Iraqi mitt around my todger. He might have rough hands for starters and I’m very sensitive down there. Ever since that incident with the Ladyboy in Bangkok (we still write).
My field training had taught me to improvise, to blend in with the surroundings.
As the Iraqis forged on with their group rubbing, I manoeuvred myself behind Al Jarreau and disguised myself as a sofa. After his pleasure had been occasioned, he sat in the sofa. I reconstituted myself around him and O’Loon garroted him with one of his super strength pubic hairs.
Stench In Disguise – Sofa So Good
The Dwarves arrived in time to receive an eyeful from the self pleasuring Iraqis but they managed to wipe them out before wiping themselves off. The Nilhilists debated the ethics of mutual masturbation in modern warfare, concluding it was acceptable ,in certain circumstances.
As a treat, I crocheted the lads a nice trifle.
War is an ugly business. But a good pudding helps. Just Desserts in the Desert so to speak.
I am most definitely amused. That is very funny.
Cheers – Stench will be touched (maybe by his Ladyboy)
Copy that. Biggus Dickus reporting for duty, Sir.
Attenshun!
Would you please be so kind as to share the address of Ladyboy?
The Ping and Pong Hotel, Roosevelt Avenue (nest to the barbers) Thailand, Asia
They say war is hell, only because they don’t have the crochet skills to embroider it on a tea cozy.
I have heard that
Yarn for peace! (or was that supposed to be piece?) Don’t know but this part is great: “I killed a man with only the vehemence of my sneer. That’s how dangerous I am.”
Very dangerous Phil
Beautiful! Good ol’ Stench saves the day. Ah, the world needs a hero like Stench!
He’s here for us all!
Love your sofa disguise. 😆
Sofa so good!
Teehee
Hilarious!
Don’t let Stench catch you laughing about his all action one man war gone rogue antics – he could be behind you now disguised as a lift…….
Great, now I have that to worry about….
BEHIND YOU!
Not funny, dude.
Sofa so good! Ha! This was too funny.
I can’t think of a futon pun Michelle!
Why not “Pubic Wars”? Al Jarreau? I’m mightily impressed!
Good!
Great to see that old-fashioned soldiers like Stench McBain are out there defending the honour of crochet!
It needs to be done!
Now that’s what I call creative crocheting! Stew???
Thanks for bringing this little piece of mischief to the party. I hope you’re having fun clicking on links and saying “Howdy do!”
I am Susie thanks.