Dear Aunty Bill,
I want to go to space. The Goldfish bowl fits my head perfectly. I have strapped some gas canisters and tin foil to my bike and the launch from Cape Kilburn will take place when I buy a battery for my clock. I am saving up at the moment.
I have made sandwiches and bought some Cornish pasties too. So I have food when I am in orbit. Oh and a bucket for my functions.
Have I forgotten anything?
Idiot Ted, Kilburn
Ground control to Major Ted
I can find no hole in your plan except for the lack of suitable protection from the viscous ultra violet light and gamma rays that will rain down on you like a fire storm from hell.
Your head should be OK as long as you don’t remove the goldfish bowl in flight. For added protection smear the bowl with emollient cream as this acts as a repellent for any UV rays
Try not cover the bit where your eyes are. Otherwise you won’t see anything.
You seem to have no other protection other than the Kevlar mankini you will be wearing during your ascent. This is totally insufficient as once the speed of your bicycle increases above 35mph you’ll be exposed to G forces equivalent to that experienced by an ant being fired from a pea shooter.
Moss Bros have a range of three piece suits ideal for space travel although these are for hire only and have to be returned in the condition they were hired, difficult for the long distance traveller such as yourself.
Why a three piece suit? In addition to the additional protection offered by the waist coat, you must remember you are an ambassador for Planet Earth and should you meet any aliens it’s important to create a good impression.
I would take along a few extra sandwiches with various fillings to offer in the event you make contact. Shiphams meat or crab paste should go down well.
Should you have a close encounter along the way, hide the bucket or at least tip the contents somewhere where they’ll just “float on” as the song says.
Good luck Ted we’re all rootin’ for you!
Aunty Bill
Idiot Ted, you sound so familiar. Are you the neighbor whose stump of a dog keeps crapping in my backyard every night? I’d recognize that goldfish bowl anywhere.
PS: It helps for the bowl to be ROUND and not shaped like a starfish.
The Very Same – I bought one of those off road commodes you mentioned a few months ago – sorry it hasn’t worked.
Go Ted!!!!!!!!!!!! What about re-entry?
Very carefully Susie – just in case the rubber grips on his handle bars melt
Idiot Ted, you might want to pack some toilet tissue… spacemen breathe recirculated air and the pong of being unwiped is likely to become staggering after the air has gone through a few cycles. Hope that helps.
Ta!
I think I want to go to space now. Where can I get a goldfish bowl, head-sized?
At a goldfish bowl shop
Solid advice, Auntie Bill. I’m speechless, and that does’t happen often. Off to make a crab paste sandwich (I had forgotton all about how nice those are).
They are aren’t they Kate although the vegetable paste is best avoided!
[…] Gingerfightback.com was where I ventured to next, and the post Ginger Heartache With Aunty Bill. Space travel seems easy now, and commenting does as well! I commented with ease here! Yay! Maybe I […]
Has NASA read this?
Sadly not – if they did Space Travel would be available to all!
Oh crap … Ground Control to Major Ted. Who would have guess this!
The Poor Lad
I can find no flaws in Aunty Bill’s sage advice. I may brush the cobwebs from my bicycle and give it a go myself, now that I know how to go about it.
Enjoy!