It was my Father’s opinion that a whistling worker was a happy chap. His assumption extended to a belief that a whistling worker, fulfilled and sated with his day’s toil, enjoyed evenings around the hearth with loved ones, chomping on hearty, nourishing fare and discussing the events of the day in tedious detail. Terrible snob, Father.
Several weeks ago, just as Summer was drawing to its soggy end, on a train to Derby I heard a strong, full lipped whistle.
“Coming through!” the whistler chirped. I peered over my newspaper and saw a sturdy man in paint splashed overalls manoeuvring a trestle table down the Carriage. He wore a mask. A mask like the Lone Ranger wore.
He set the table down and retraced his steps.
“Afternoon!” he said in a flat east Midland’s accent. He whistled a refrain from a Musical. South Pacific if my memory serves me. But I could be wrong. More a Gilbert and Sullivan man myself.
He reappeared carrying the tools of his noble trade. Dust sheet, bucket of paste, brush and rolls of wallpaper. Woodchip, nothing fancy.
“Decorator coming through!” Courteous as well as chipper. A rare commodity in the Great British workman these days. Even if he was masked.
He unfurled the dust sheet and threw it over the two rows of seats closest to him. It fluttered gracefully downward, covering an elderly couple in the process. They did not stir. Uncanny.
The train approached Birmingham. The decorator set up the table and began to paste (which appeared a quality adhesive) a roll of wallpaper, which he then hung on the Carriage window. There was a stencilled character on the wallpaper. A Star Trek character. Spock.
“Are we in a tunnel Desmond?” said a thin, reedy voice from under the dust sheet.
“No love, somebody has thrown a sheet over us.”
“Oh. I see. Fancy a sandwich? Cheese or Corned Beef?”
I don’t know if Desmond took one. The sheet restricted my view. It is something that I still think about now. Weeks later.
The decorator hung two more sheets. Chekov and a Klingon joined Spock in staring down on us. The intoxicating aroma of wallpaper paste (a smell I must admit I have always found erotic) hung in the air, as if it were a lost fragment of memory.
“Nice bit of work that!” a rotund Brummie said to the decorator as he walked by, “Have you got a card?”
“Certainly,” The masked artisan handed the man a card. He stood aside to let other passengers pass, holding a sheet of paper which revealed the forehead of Scotty.
Passengers boarding at Birmingham were raised from their travel miasma to look up at his skilled workmanship. As people walked past me I caught fragments of conversations, “The Phantom…………Cladding……………Broken Heart……….He decorates to forget…………Just like Robin Hood but with a step ladder.”
He continued. Through Tamworth, onwards to Burton. By now Spock, Chekov, The Klingon, Scotty, Uhuru, Bones and James T himself all graced the Carriage.
As the train neared Burton, the elderly couple under the dust sheet stirred.
“Do you need to go?”
“Not yet, in a little while.”
“Wine Gum?”
“Thanks.”
“Chew it properly. Mind your teeth.”
The old man rose from his seat with the dustcover still draped over him just as a smartly attired business woman, babbling into her mobile phone, entered the Carriage. To the woman’s mind she saw a ghoul levitate in front of her. She screamed wildly and sank her expensively shod foot into the bucket of paste. She continued to walk down the aisle in an encumbered fashion, foot still dressed in bucket but still managing to babble into her phone. The decorator saw it as a sign.
As the train pulled into Burton station, he packed up his belongings and bade us a safe onward journey. Then. He was gone. Like a decorating wraith, he was gone.
My neighbour, a fat man with a poor skin care regime, who up to this point had watched in stunned silence muttered, “The Phantom Decorator!”
“The Phantom Decorator?”
“Yes. He wears a mask to protect his identity. Like the Lone Ranger does. He doesn’t just decorate trains though, he’s laid patios in First Class, timber decked buffet carriages and is rumoured once to have pebble dashed a Eurostar. As it was going through the Channel Tunnel. At night. I didn’t think he existed. Until today.” He took a meaty bite of his jumbo sausage roll.
Patios on trains appealed to me. Rustic enchantment nestling in the vestibule. Nice.
The Train Guard appeared. After checking my ticket, he looked down the Carriage and moaned, “Has the Phantom struck again?” His shoulders sagged and his closely met eyebrows merged in beetled angst.
“Why can’t you catch him?”
“He wears a mask. Like the Lone Ranger does. And he never got caught.”
Not the greatest answer, but judging by the Guard’s demeanour any more insightful conversation was fruitless. He tried in vain to take down the wallpaper. It really was a quality adhesive. The old woman gave him a Cheese sandwich for his labours.
I searched for records of The Phantom Decorator. None exist. It is like he is like an….erm, Phantom. But he is out there. Wearing a mask. Like the Lone Ranger does. Maybe he is pasting, or painting, or stencilling, or sanding, or cladding or hanging.
But he will be whistling.
Like all of us should.
I hope you enjoyed the story – read another train travel tale “Worm ‘ole!” here!
Never be without a packet of Wine Gums, or Polo Mints 🙂
Wise beyond your years Sue!
I love wine gums!
Too few working folk now whistle a happy tune! (cf: The King and I)
It is growing rarer sadly – I’m whistling “I could have danced all night” at the moment
I once wanted to be in moving pictures.
Now I just want to be immortalized by The Phantom.
Perhaps on one of them fancy Orient Express carriages?
Consider it done Guap!
If only…
shame he only does trains…
Agreed!
Are you sure it wasn’t Banksy?
No – he was too tall!
But, no one really knows who Banksy is. In fact, some say that it may well be an art collective.
Didn’t know that – thanks.
You’re welcome. Not that many people know, I believe. It is hard unless you’re a bit into contemporary art.
You’re welcome. Not that many people know, I believe. It is hard unless you’re a bit into contemporary art.
FRESHLY PRESSED!!!!!!!!!!!!
Way to go Jim! Are you doing a Ginger dance around the train?
This is such a great story. I love how it starts and ends with whistling!
If I see that lone masked wallpaperer, I will let you know….
Cheers Susie – keep your eyes peeled, you saw how fast her moves!
I will! I wonder if he could paper a bedroom for me….
I’ll ask him!
I must admit to being a bit surprised when they let me know Susie. I did a spot of tap dancing on the platform at my stationwhen I read the e-mail but was escorted from the premises by a burly lad in a hi viz jacket. Still, nice to see the nonsense being recognised!
I would love to see a ginger tap dance. Oh! that’s what you should do! Take your ginger picture and do a little Freshly Pressed shout for out yourself! Not everyone is aware that the award even exists!
Thanks again Susie!
Congratultations on being Freshly Pressed. Nice piece.
Many thanks! Hope you enjoyed it.
Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed. The Phantom Decorator. Ha. That was a good one. And I agree with Susie, it ha nice connections beginning and ending all with the whistling. Once again, congrats 🙂
Cheers – glad you enjoyed it. We should all whistle more!
I am looking forward to reading Train Travels #34! How about you?
Oh yes! I saw some interesting things this week on the trains so hopefully a couple of snippets will surface soon. Nice to hear from you. Best wishes.
Nice to hear from you as well. Have a wonderful day. http://www.segmation.wordpress.com
Great post “Summer was drawing to its soggy end” sounds like every summer holiday I had as a kid ^^
Thanks – yeah damp summers were “great” weren’t they.
Very nice – sounds quite true-to-life. I used to work for the federal government here in the U.S., and my first boss told me that “ladies don’t whistle.” It was nearly impossible for me not to whistle, but I surely learned to hate the job. Congrats on the Freshly Pressed! Keep writing,
Thanks Melanie – obviously your boss lacked the necessary puckering skills to whistle with gusto and so took a dim view of one of life’s great private/public pleasures!
whistling! now that’s a thing i need to learn and congrats for the great post 🙂
Believe me, one of the great free pleasures in life! Glad you enjoyed it.
🙂
Very funny and beautifully written. Well done!
Many thanks – glad you enjoyrd it!
Always wear a mask when chewing gum on a train !!!
http://cartoonmick.wordpress.com/about/
Cheers
Mick
Thanks Mick
Great post, greatly enjoyed reading it , and love the Avatar
Thanks Evelina – glad you enjoyed it!
Good post right there! I am following you now. If you would like to know about Ocean Paddling then follow us back! Always welcome to visit our page. Regards
Carlos
Cheers – glad you liked it – I will take you up on your offer!
Pure imagination! (And, now I’m reminded of that Charlie and the Chocolate Factory song. If I could whistle it, I would).
GFB! You’re FP’d right after I took the piss out of FP. I retract that entire post now they have put you there.
Big up the Brits!
I was out Monday masquerading as a PR guru to get a free dinner and must have missed this post completely, apologies!
No worries Joe – I wasn’t really expecting it – not really life changing but at least it is not a winter’s photo of a meat dish watching American Football that has been Pressed! Have a great weekend! And I fell for your lies!
The restaurant manager is waiting on a write up to appear in the press now 😦 I feel bad, it wasn’t my lie, my friend said he had a free meal after meeting the owner but I didn’t know it was under false pretences. He just told me afterwards “You write a blog so you can do the review” Forgetting the fact it won’t be published anywhere. I pretty much left the value of the bill as a tip to avoid my shame.
It’s coming up to two years since I was Freshly Pressed, it makes me fell like a schorlarly elder. I love when my faves are Pressed – what do the masses think of them as they are rarely conventional.
Write the Review and post it – at least it is out there!
On Trip Advisor or something? I’d be too embarrassed. Thing is I am actually a mystery diner for that restaurant chain anyway but this was a separate thing to that.
Anyway, look at me taking over your comment threads with these ridiculous dilemmas! 😀 I’ll let you bask in the glory of FP!
Stick it on London Survival
I could pretend me and my friend were Joan and Jackie Collins. The manager was hot, it could work….
Go on… dare ya!
What a wonderful treat to click over and find your post Freshly Pressed! Long overdue my funny friend… Congratulations! 😉
Cheers!
Reblogged this on Music Vision Sound.
Thanks!
You’re welcome 🙂
Love this!
Freshly pressed… congrats…..
“Chew it properly. Mind your teeth.” … related to Mrs Sensible by any chance?
Quite possibly or perhaps an Italian underwater cable expert!
The Gilbert and Sullivan bit reminded me of a music project I was given at school. I was sure I had heard of Gilbert and Sullivan, in fact I was pretty sure my older sister had one of his records.
My project on Gilbert O’ Sullivan the famous 70’s rock star got me an E minus on my report card.
Nevermind although the line “Claire, the moment I saw you I said….” features in The Pirates of Penzance. Uncanny that.
I didn’t know that! didn’t Johnny Depp have the lead role?
Yeah – he was very good in it – instead of a Keith Richards impression he did a very good Prince Charles.
Reblogged this on Freshly Pressed.
Neat. Very nice. Sometimes, we need people like these to take us out of our everyday monotone. Love it!!
Most kind of you!
And dont consider this an intrusion; i would love it if you took a look at my page. ramprabakar.wordpress.com
Thanks – will do!
Congrats, GFB!
Cheers!
I love this artsy Robin Hood – even though I don’t think will ever get to see him in action. Would have grabbed a card myself 😉
Pleased to hear it! – thanks for dropping by.
Reblogged this on Oyia Brown.
Many Thanks
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Thanks and will do!
A fun read; congrats on being freshly pressed. I think I have 1/4 ginger in me …. so keep up the fight!
Thanks Christopher
Well written. I enjoyed the story very much.
Amazing storytelling! I want to say more but I have the urgent need to catch a train to Birmingham to catch someone! 😉
Go!
Thanks Susie for sending me! My favorite part is that the phantom decorator handed over his business card. I wonder what he put for his contact info? I’m a little jealous of the winegums though… We just don’t get such quality offerings on the food trolleys here in the north of England.
No wine gums? My heart goes out to you – love the port ones myself!
Hey Susie sent me. Nice meeting you. You have a unique way of telling a story. Sort of like a narrator. Happy New Year to you
Hello and thanks for stopping by. I like this style as it,keeps,the writing tight and to the point!
This post got some Freshly Pressage love!
I remember it! Love the Train Travels. Thanks for bringing it to the party! Have fun with the guests!
It did Susie! Thanks for all the lovely puddings!
Sent from Susie’s place… Fun story! Still trying to picture exactly what wine gum would taste like. 🙂
Think of a jelly bean without the hard casing. Add in different flavours such a port, champagne, wine etc and you sort of have the texture and taste. They are non-alcoholic though!