Dear Aunty,
My wife is having an affair. I know this because she has started washing and putting her teeth in before going to Bingo. I think her lover is the bloke down the road who has his own front door and has on occasion shut it, just to show off.
I was thinking of getting a table to show my wife how much I love her. Can you send me £20 to help cover the cost of the drop leaf?
Do you think this will win her back?
Cokehead Kev, Barnstaple
Aunty Bill Replies;
Dear Kev
As Bernie Winters once said “In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is King.” I’ve got no idea what he was on about, but I have half an idea it may apply to you.
I don’t see a drop leaf table competing with a man who has his own front door and can open and shut it at will. By himself.
This is serious one-upmanship.
I would instal a water feature in your front garden; nothing grand and it needn’t be expensive – certainly no more than you would have spent on a drop leaf. A plastic neo-Roman urn type of thing can be bought quite cheaply from any reputable plastic water feature retailer.
Usually this comes with a length of hose that you can run from the urn to a tap. Fill said urn with water.
Then ask your wife to grip the end of the hose in her mouth, preferably with her teeth in and on your command of “suck and now blow” you will be amazed as a jet of water, reminiscent of the Trevi fountain, spouts forth from the urn.
Put on a tape of Puccini’s Turandot (you know,the Pirelli tyre song) and you could almost be in Rome.
No opera? No problem! Bernie Winters, “Here’s Bernie!” has a similar effect.
Your wife’s suitor will never open and shut his door again – guaranteed.
Aunty Bill
Aunty Bill’s advice on pressing matters of the heart can be read here and here!
Outstanding! That was a true side-buckler. Very well done and very funny.
Many thanks Michael!
Maybe he should buy a front door for his wife 🙂
Good point Harry!
It’s an extravagant stunt, Jim: but it might just work.
Off to find an urn and a length of serviceable hose.
Let me know how you get on Kate!
I think Cokehead Kev should meet up with one of those fine Nigerian princesses (I can forward him their emails if necessary).
Once his wife gets wind of his new companion (and bank account!) she’ll be yanking that poor slobs door off the hinges as she races back to him.
A cunning plan Guap!
Jim something for the ginger people to look at.
http://uk.finance.yahoo.com/news/oddbins-offers-discounts-redheads-bankers-070022921.html
Cheers Harry – saw it – very nice of them although to be lumped in with Bankers seems harsh
What would the world do without Aunty Bill?
The thought is too worrying to contemplate
Aunt Bill obviously knows something that most people don’t – there are people with hoses behind the wall at Trevi?
More than you think Frank!
They must be extremely well trained.
Extremely
I wonder what Schnorbitz has to say on the subject? I always thought him brighter than Bernie!
All to be revealed!