Dear Oily,
I live in the Brandywell area of Free Derry. I worry constantly about the threat of earthquakes in California, your neck of the woods. So I do, like.
I keep waiting for the Big One. If or when it happens and assuming it clashes with my Baked Plumage session at the local Slap and Tans Beauty Salon, do I keep my appointment or should I just put tin foil on my head, a pencil up my nostril and hide under the bed all the while whistling Dixie?
Sinead MacTiocfaidh, Derry Hey
Oily Replies;
Hello Thingymajig
Irrelevantly enough, at my peak here in Nonsense City, I used to be known as the Big One. When I was with a fair maiden and the night reached a climax, the earth fairly moved for her! So much so that the local loons often mistook it for an earthquake.
This doesn’t help your situation but gives me a chance to boast about my prowess back in the day.
Indeed, it was this prowess that led me to enter the-are-you-sure-that-is-legal market? for which I am loved by bandaged S&M afficianados the world over.
Yours bound and gagged
Oily
gingerfightback.wordpress.com 
Is it sad I clicked on this the minute it popped in my reader. I’m just stuck at work. Thanks George for helping pass my non-paid overtime
Part of our public service remit Joe
I swear I used to go out with this man… Note “used to”…. I let him *slip* through my fingers…
You sound heartbroken!
The Big one just hit us here but it came from above and it wasn’t a dove it was a big bastard hailstorm!
The Big One comes in many guises!
This is what I enjoy about the ladies. Y’all know how to have fun.
Pencils up nostrils solve all sorts of problems. They have historically been seriously underrated.
You are a very wise man!
The Slap and Tans beauty salon? Please send photo…( ‘A Nation Once Again….’)
12th July and all that….
Oily makes sure that we want to be like him.
Worryingly Frank, it is much easier than you think.
Well, Oily, I have some mixed feelings here, since most typically I’m not all that amused at earthquakes. So having actually survived a few California earthquakes, and being totally terrified of the BIG ONE, next time the fear and panic starts to take over, instead of picturing myself in a heap of rubble, I’ll picture you, Oily George, and the BIg One will have entirely new connotations. Thank you…I think. Debra
His Big One always has a calming effect Debra.
Ahhh… Oily, you always know *just* what to say!
It is a gift
Oily, whilst stories of your prowess are always riveting I do think you may have missed a trick here. Earthquake-prone parts of the world could clearly benefit from Ms MacTiocfaidh’s safety strategies. I recommend using your expertise in the pornographic film industry to create a public service broadcast with the invaluable strategies she has suggested: namely, putting tin foil on the head, a pencil up the nostril and hiding under the bed, all the while whistling Dixie.
Thanks Kate – Oily will get to work on a script. You will get a credit!
I don’t know Dixie! What should I do when an earthquake strikes – whistle Waltzing Matilda instead? Or just say thanks and have a cigarette?
Both!