Gfb has received a copy of a secret Government letter outlining the Coalition Government’s future plans for the Welfare State.
The letter entitled, “Have A Bang On This Little Number!” was hand written by the Secretary of State for Work and Fuckery, Iain Drunken-Spliff on parchment comprising 32 King Size Rizlas. The papers were assembled by benefit claimants in Grimsby as part of the “Licking Scroungers into Shape” programme.
It reveals a harsh future regime of benefits conditionality, as well as plans to extradite convicted benefit cheats to “Jockland” in what Duncan-Spliff calls a ‘crackdown on shirkers, shysters and roach bandits.”
“I’m not fucking having it anymore,” states Duncan-Spliff, “These northern layabouts, disableds and lone parents are a real drain on our resources. I wouldn’t mind, but the bankers are really struggling, what with a reduction in bonuses. Two of them couldn’t afford the recently released Pink Floyd Box Set, things are that tough. Man.”
The letter continues;
“The schmucks amongst the voting public still believe that we’re all in this together! If we can victimise and isolate the poorest in as venal a way as possible we will be onto something! Rupert is on board (it is in our interests to keep the heat up on the Hacking scandal) and the “Blame the darkies/slap a Frog” whispering campaign is gathering momentum. Has Osborne pinched my bong?”
Duncan-Spliff’s proposals include;
• Making all new Jobseekers undertake 2 weeks mandatory Lollipop Man/Woman duty. Failure to comply will lead to the claimant’s house being set on fire. With the claimant inside.
• Inviting disabled people for weekly check ups. Physical and Medical examinations will be held in a public gallery with three X-factor style judges scoring them. It will be a mixture of Total Wipeout and The Cube.
“The public will love it,” Duncan-Spliff notes, “A benefits system based on Reality TV! A ratings winner surely.”
• Moving the default pension age to 80. “We’ll save billions!” he states.
• Ex-offenders, drug addicts and feckless youngsters will be chained together and set to work on the Government’s infrastructure projects, such as the new high speed train link from London to Birmingham. “Those train tunnels won’t dig them fucking selves,” he wrote.
Gfb approached Labour “Leader”, Ed Thingy for his reaction to this shocking revelation.
He blathered on for a bit but nobody could be bothered to listen.
Oh, the things these stupid people do…………
Indeed
Sounds more realistic and feasible than a lot of what the coalition have come up with so far. Nice work!
Thanks – just remember we’re all in it together!
Brilliant post ginger, i did two posts advising the gov; as well.
How do you alter the photos 🙂
Oh dear god I laughed so hard while reading this piece. Wonderful satire!
Being a Yank I could definitely see the same ‘plan’ being put into effect here…especially with all the loonies getting on their high (or sadly for them not high) horses with the presidential primaries going on. It seems to be Obama vs. The Organically Brain Damaged Two-Faced Haters and Illiterates.
Ah, America. Land of the Loon. Sorry, free. Land of the Free.
Your post was magnificent. No matter what side of the pond -grin-
Thank you Rachel
Man you should publish a book of your pictures (although your arse would get sued left right and centre)
I know!
Don’t worry as last night’s news also covered the equally important news that the Ditches of Cambridge is to do lots more charity work…ah turned out nice again.
Good point well made!
Wonderful humor. I always look forward to this.
Thank Heavens we have politicians to make the rest of us realize how truly flawed the human condition can be, right?
Well said!
Strangely, this exact same story (names changed, of course) ran in the New York Times last week, only there was more Obama-bashing and something called a “Romney.” I may have made that up, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true.
There is a Romney Marsh on the South Coast of England – Famous for sheep, fog and ghost stories. As Mitt marches onto South Carolina perhaps this explains a lot……
Best wishes
Riotous reading, loving it and your pages 🙂
Many thanks – glad you are enjoying the nonsense.
Great satire!
Glad you enjoyed it!