Silvio Berlusconi – A History Lesson

As Italy now faces the wrath of the markets, Emeritus Professor of Pointless Cobblers, Mike Crawshawioni outlines a historical parallel that amplify the dangers not only to the Italian economy but also the rest of  us.

Of course Silvio sees things differently…………

Occupy His Wig!

“E ‘facile da dire per te!”

“Perche’ no?”

Se sei con una risata?

E ‘con una risata! ”

These brilliant exchanges come from a recently discovered script of Benito Mussolini’s double act with Antonio Gramsci, the father of modern yodelling. The duo were a huge Comedia D’Arte draw in Italy in the early 20th Century. They were the Beavis and Butthead of their day.

Gramsci, a man who was fluent in Gaelic, Asbestos, Lino, Artus, Pack and Kaid, arrived in Dovia di Predappio in 1905 in his quest to search for a better potato. Sadly he failed in this quest but did split the atom by mistake at a friend’s house whilst making Gnocchi.

Young Benny was in the house, tuning a piano (a trade he had learned from his father Alessandro). Their chance meeting lay the foundations for a relationship that still resonates in Italy today.

Nice Syrup

Ben had a curly ginger wig woven to emulate the Gramsci’s bonce and honour the man who took the place of a Catholic Priest in his life. It fell into disrepair after his mother who had borrowed it to wear on her favourite Adriatic nudist beach was savaged by a myopic giant clam. Another wig was made, this time with a chin strap.

Their relationship came to an abrupt ending when Gramsci was caught trying to enter ‘Stage Left’ one night. “I was merely being true to my political leanings Benito,” Tony said, whereupon Mussolini in a fit of rage, seized a bundle of flaming torches, thought to himself “They look dandy,” and thus Fascism was born.

Benjy went on to become one of Totalitarianism’s pin ups. He had been a member of the Ginger Partito Socialista Italiano since 1901 but felt that, basically, they just weren’t Ginger enough for his liking so in 1921 he founded the Ginger Partito Nazionale Fascista Plus (known as the Brown Strapons account of their natty chin guards).

Goosey Goosey Gander

Between 1924–1939 Mussolini drained the Ginger Pontine Marshes and provided Gingers their own buses. He also concluded the Ginger Lateran Treaty between the Kingdom of Italy and the Holy Ginger See. However anyone caught wearing a Ginger wig was shot. He also had plans to rename Italy, Gingerly, but was a bit cautious about this.

He lost it completely and proceeded to declare war on every country in Europe, including Italy.

At the infamous rally of Modena in March 1945, Mussolini tore off his wig waved it around for a bit and then declared, “La Syrupa est Morte, Forza Slapheadorazione!” He forsook his ginger infatuation, claimed it was a Communist plot and preached the benefits of a bald pate.

In late April 1945, with total defeat looming, Mussolini attempted to escape to Switzerland, only to be captured and executed by Italian partisans. His body was taken to Milan where it was hung upside down at a petrol station for public viewing and to teach him a lesson he would not forget in a hurry. His ginger wig was reattached to his head. Alas with no strap.

The garage proprietor Enzo Bertolli, reported record sales for several weeks until the wig fell off. He picked it up, put it on his head and was promptly arrested, tried, shot and then hung upside down outside his own garage. This trend proliferated throughout the whole of Italy until the transport system ground to a halt from a lack of fuel dispensing outlets. This did not stop the armed forces vehicles from being driven in reverse.

To this day, at selective fuel outlets in Italy, free ginger wigs are given with every tank of Benito Unleaded as a mark of disrespect.

Gramsci ended his days in exile knitting willy-warmers in East Kilbride. His measuring tape is an exhibit in the Museum of Noncery in Prague. A film of his life starring Tom Cruise is currently in post production and is widely tipped for Oscar success.

Says It All

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